Five Gold Rings

Merry Christmas everyone.

I know it is a couple of days early, but I think this may be my last blog until after christmas. I am going to my mums for christmas, and sinse my laptop is broken and I am using someone else's, and I dont get my new one until christmas day, there will probably be a few days silence from me. I'm sure everyone will be too busy to keep up anyways over the next week. I seriously can't wait for Christmas now. Plenty to talk about though in the meantime.

I will start off talking about Jay. Friday night was our last night together now for a few weeks. He took me out for a meal in town and then we went for a few drinks, before going to the midnight screening of Avatar. It was a really good film and we got to watch it in 3D, but there was a fuck up with the screen (it wasnt shown on the right one) so we were given free tickets to go and see something else whenever we want, so it wasnt so bad. It was 3am by the time we were getting out of the cinema though and the snow was coming down heavy so I couldnt wait to get home to bed.

We didnt manage to stay awake for too long on friday night, but we got up early and spent all of yesterday together. It was really nice just chilling out and doing nothing. We have gotten to a really comfortable place where there is no awkward silences or need to keep each other entertained. We just sit there enjoying each others company and its really nice. I am genuinly happier than I have been in long time. When it came time to leave it was so hard. Knowing that I wont be seeing him again for 3 weeks (with the exception of a few hours tomorrow) is horrible. He has said that he is thinking of coming back a few days early from his trip away so that he can see me, which although is awesome and I totally want him too, I have told him that he doesnt have to and I dont expect it. I am secretly hoping that he does though.

Today will be spent mostly packing for my time away. I am so unorganised it is unreal. My mum will be getting a lot of laundry to do at this rate. I can't wait to see all my old friends and family. It's been so long since I have been home for a visit, so although I hate that I am leaving Jay, I am also excited about seeing everyone else, so it is balancing out I guess. The snow is coming down thick and fast. It looks set to be a white christmas this year which is awesome. My first one sinse 1988. We have a couple of inches where I am now so I have to hope it lasts for the next few days until christmas so I can go and play with my neices and nephews. They are my cover story for wanting to build a snowman and have snowball fights.

In the news this week, Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh Rugby captain has come out as gay. The papers are making quite a big deal out of it, and so they should. As far as I have read, nobody has criticized his decision, but many have knocked the papers for reporting it like it is a big deal. The fact is, it is a big deal. I have met Gareth many times, through rugby and through the fact that he and my mum live close to each other and we used to drink in the same pub. That's not to say we are friends, but the odd bit of chit chat has occured, and I have to say that he is a very nice and charming man. The respect he gets from everyone is overwhelming and I dont think that will change now that he has revealed himself to be gay. The reason I think it is good that this news has been so widely reported, is that Gareth is the first openly gay Rugby Union player, to still be in the game. This is a positive move. I personally know of several players who are gay, both in the big leagues and in the smaller town clubs. People who will never come out because of the detrimental image that being gay brings to you in the eyes of straight, sporty stereotypes. I have spoken before about how I had to come out to my team mates, and it was a genuinly positive experience, but that isnt always going to be the case for people.

For someone of such high regard within the game, and a player who is so well known all over the world, I have a lot of respect for him to admit that he is gay. Opinions from fans will no doubt be divided, but one thing that won't change is the fact that he is an amazingly talented player, and a well liked and respected man. With a bit of luck this revelation will open people's eyes to the fact that not all gay people are airy fairy queens who hate sports and act like women. A stereotype all too common amongst people to ignorant to learn differently. What Gareth Thomas has done should be applauded. In coming out he has told thousands of people that it is ok to be gay, and that being gay doesnt define you. As he said, he is a rugby player first, and a gay man second. Hopefull his actions will inspire others to become honest with themselves and their team mates. The rugby world, and perhaps the world in general, could do with more positive role models like him.

On a personal note, the swelling on my nose has come down quite a lot and my black eyes are starting to look less scary. I need a haircut really badly. I am starting to look like Diana Ross. Think I will book myself in at the salon for tomorrow so that I can look good for the festive parties I will be attending

Other than that I don't think I have anything else to report. so if I dont manage to get on here agin before christmas, I just want to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a fab new year, and I will see you all on the other side.

Ryan

Monday Madness

Afternoon everyone, or morning, or evening depending on where you are. Another eventful day today. I worked 5am until 10am and then had time to come home for a shower and had to go off into town. On the last Monday of every month I do some volunteer work at an organisation for gay teens who are having difficulties, and just sit and chat with them for a couple of hours. It's usually pretty rewarding helping them to come out of their shells, but some of them have had a really horrific time.

Most of them have had difficulty coming out and so have run away, or just need someone to talk to. Today I was with a guy called Ste, who I have been speaking with for a little while. He has had a real shitty time lately. He came out to his parents about 2 months ago. He is only 16 and whan he told his parents, his stepdad attacked him and slashed his arm with a knife, so he spent the last 6 or 7 weeks in foster accomodation. He seems to be picking himself up though which is good. He didnt stay very long today, he just wanted to tell me that he had gotten himself an apprenticeship as a carpenter and was moving into a flat with his sister in a few weeks. It's so nice to hear things like that. He is determined not to let things get him down. For such a young guy, his head is completely screwed on. Good for him.

I am having a couple of hours to chill this afternoon, then this evening I will be braving the cold and the great unwashed to go and start my christmas shopping. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! It does my head in though that every year it seems to start a bit earlier. Some of the shops have had xmas songs and decorations up sinse mid september. It does my head in to see it, because by the time it actually comes along I am sick of it. I am going away for christmas this year though, so I need to start my shopping a bit earlier. I tired online shopping last year but half of it didnt turn up until January, so I wont risk it again this year.

Still having issues with the smelly flatmate. I came home last night and there was a dead funny smell and I couldnt find where it was coming from until I went upstairs. I opened his bedroom door, and he had been sick the night before all over the floor, and just gone out and left it. If he was here when I got in I would have rubbed his nose in it, the dirty bastard. I want him to move out now. It's just too much. He got up this morning, wearing yesterdays clothes and off he went in his car. It's rank. No washing, no changing, nothing. It's getting shocking now. I'm starting to gag everytime he comes into the room and telling him that he is a smelly fucker seems to have no effect. I think he thinks I am joking. I need to rally up the others who live here and get them all to sit down with him and have a word.

Ooh, I knew what I was going to ask. What do you get as a christening gift? My friend Cally is having her baby christened next week and I need gift ideas. My mum suggested a little bracelet or something, but I bet everyone will have the same idea. I need something original, so please give me some ideas.

Thats all for now. I have some dancing to do. Can't stop listening to the Sugababes new song. Have a listen for yourselves, it's great. Have happy Monday's everyone :D

Ry

About A Girl - Sugababes

Coming out

I got way too drunk for my own good last night. I ended up getting wasted on a couple of bottles of wine, removing various items of clothes and then dancing and singing to old reggae songs. It wasn't my finest hour, but I had fun anyway. Paid for it this morning though when I woke up and vommed. Bad times. I woke up to 4 very lovely texts from Jay. He was drunk, but it obviously loosened him up a bit because he was being such a sweetheart. I thought he would go all shy and deny them this morning but he was cool about it and said he meant the things he was saying. Bless!

Anyways, there is a point to today's post. I was chatting with a guy yesterday (you should all check out his blog HERE) and I promised him that I would right my coming out story. And so this is it....

I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I was 15 when I cam out to my mother. I had known all my life that I was gay and it was never one of those things I suddenly had to come to terms with, I just always knew and accepted it. I come from a family made up mainly of men. I have 4 older brothers and so I kinda had a lot to live upto in terms of following them into sports and 'man stuff'. My dad skipped out on us when I was 2 and so I never really bothered with him much, and my mum was both parents and my main role model, and we have always been amazingly close. I would say she is like a best friend to me.

Anyways, I probably would have come out when I was about 13 had it not been for the fact I felt I was letting my brothers down. I had had sexual encounters with guys and knew that that was what I was into, but I always kept it as my secret. One night when I was about 14, me and a friend got drunk on a bottle of whiskey we found at her house. I remember for some reason admitting to her that I was gay. She didn't believe me at first, but then I started telling her some stuff about what I had done and she was soon convinced. I remember how free I felt, telling my best friend and having her not give a damn in the slightest. Once I sobered up the following morning though I was mortified and immediately rung her to say it was only meant to be a joke and I couldnt believe she fell for it. She was having none of it though, and my secret was out for good.

Everything was fine for a few months, I used to confide my stories in her, and she always kept them to herself. We used to go around in group, as kids do, of about 15 or 20 of us. We used to hang around the park or whatever, not causing mischief, just being teens. Anyways, this guy started hanging around with us called David. He was a few years older, as camp as tits and a screaming homosexual. I became fascinated with him for being so out there. Every guy I had ever been with was sharing my closet, so to meet and befriend someone so open with their sexuality was refreshing.

One night we were walking home, just David and I, and we were talking about random stuff when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I lied and said no, and he asked me if I wanted to try it. I said yes, probably a little too eagerly, what with my hormones kicking in, and we stood there in the middle of the street making out. I didnt find him attractive. It wasnt a sex thing at all. To ask me now, I have no idea why I kissed him, but I was 15 and horny I guess, so I did. i went home and thought nothing more of it.

Now, most people come out. I think I was dragged out kicking and screaming. A few days after our kiss, David had told everyone. It's one thing keeping a secret from friends, but I wasnt willing to lie, so when questioned (see: Spanish Inquisition) I admitted that his story was true. Some of the guys didnt believe it at first, others thought it was hysterical, but despite the barrage of questions, not a single one of them said anything negative about it. I realised then how great my friends are, and how much I love and value each and every one.



I knew that with so many people knowing, and living in such a small town as I did, that it wouldnt be long until the rumours would get back to my mum, and I knew I would have to tell her. I left it a couple of days, but I thought I owed her the respect to hear it from me and not someone else.

On the day I decided to tell her, things were pretty shitty. I had had a crap day at school, had rowed with my mother the night before, and was generally just nervous as hell. In what was probably the least smart move of my life up to that point, I managed to get myself a flagon of cider and got wasted before going home that evening. I had two of my friends on standby incase things got ugly, and I went home intent that I wouldnt leave again until my mum knew everything. What I had forgotten however, was that my mum was having a dinner party that evening, that I was supposed to be there for. Her, me, and 8 guests. I genuinly had forgotten, but she thought I missed it on purpose because of our arguement the night before.

As soon as I got through the door she knew I was drunk. She gave me that look that only a mother can give and I knew things werent going to go smoothly. She calmly told me to sit down at the table, but then changed her mind and told me to get upstairs. I have never seen her look so embarrassed. I was falling about everywhere and mumbling rubbish to myself. In the end she lost it a bit and started raising her voice. I started storming up the stairs, banging each step as I went. I heard her shout something to me about being grounded and without even registering what was going on, I stood at the top of the stairs, in full view of everyone and screamed

"You just hate me because I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

I barely managed to register her expression before tripping over my own foot and falling down the stairs and passing out drunk against the door. The next thing I remember was being propped against the sofa with my mum staring at me. Everyone had left except for Susan, my mums best friend and I could tell they were waiting for answers. I didnt really know what to say so I started giggling to myself.

From there on out, it all got a bit horrible. My mother gave me the 'I will always love you, but...' speech and I lost it. My mum, the person I was closest to in the whole world, wasnt scooping me in her arms and telling me that everything was going to be alright. We ended up having a blazing arguement and I told her I was leaving. I phoned up my friend and stayed at hers. It was January 11th 2001 and I remember walking through the snow, drunk and crying my eyes out. I cried my eyes out all night.

The following day I went back to my mums and spoke to her soberly. She told me that she wasnt annoyed with me that I was gay, but that I put her in a very awkward situation by telling her in front of everyone else and just expecting her to deal with it, which years later makes more sense than it did then. Things were a bit odd between us for a while. Neither of us knew what to say to the other, and the subject was never raised again until about 3 years later. I spent that whole time thinking that it was because my mother was in denial about it, but when it was brought up again, and I questioned her about it, she told me that it was never an issue for her, so she never felt the need to bring it up for no reason, and sinse I never raised the subject, she thought I didnt want to talk about it. I think sometimes it is easier to just to be open about things and that way wires can't get cross.

I am happy to say that in the end everything worked out brilliantly. Me and my mother are closer than we ever have been and me being gay means nothing more than my eyes being blue. Its a part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.

I suppose the only thing more daunting than telling my mum was having the rugby boys find out. In a very heterosexual sport I thought I would be thrown off the team, but that also went really well. My first day back at training after everyone found out was one of the scariest things of my life. I needn't have worried though. Every single guy on the team was fine about it and when I got to the changing room they had taped the soap to the wall with duct tape and written in shaving foam 'nobody bends over for the soap unless Ryan wins us the game this weekend'. They then continued to wind me up for, well, they still havent stopped.