Doctor, Doctor

If only it was as simple as a doctor, doctor joke. It turns out I am a bit of a spaz and I have caused myself even more injury, hence the last few days of silence. Firstly I slipped after mopping the kitchen, caught my head on the corner of microwave and now I have a lumpy head and a small cut. Then, the following day I fell in the snow, bashed my elbow and got covered in bruises, and then while cleaning last night I put my hand on the kettle to move it, and now I have major blisters. It wouldnt have been so bad, but I have a mettle kettle old fashioned looking thing, so it was hotter than a normal one would be. I'd only boiled it about 3 minutes before so it was a totally stupid thing to do. To top it off, I now have a chest infection as well. It really isnt my week. I think I should just set up shop at the doctors surgery. Oh well, keep smiling I guess.


And something to smile about of course is Jay. Just writing about him makes me grin from ear to ear. We had our first squabble this week. That wasn't fun at all. I suppose I made it a bigger issue than it needed to be. Basically, it emerged this week that he once slept with one of my dearest friends. I got really really upset and we ended up having a bit of a row. I tried being rational about it, but the thought kills me. In his defense, it happened about 4 years ago, before I knew either him or my friend, but it still cut. I'm not so naive as to think he doesnt have a past, but it was a little close to home, and not a situation I have been in before, so my reactions were just instinct. I am cool with things now, and we seem to be stronger and more determined to not let things break us up, but I don't know how I will feel when it comes to seeing my friend again. For the time being I am avoiding that situation completely.

On a lighter note though, things are back to normal, and probably better than they were before. I will be heading out to see him in an hour or so. He is comeing with me while I have a look at two apartments then we shall be getting some food and watching a film, before heading home. He is staying here for the night tonight.

Back to work tomorrow night. I'm dead excited. And a bit miffed that my long holiday is finally over. Could be worse though I guess. I will no doubt be stuck doing shedloads of paperwork and dealing with drunks, but I dont mind. I really love it. The shifts will get better once I have my cast off. Its starting to really itch now. I accidently smacked Jay accross the head with it in my sleep the other day too. I dont think he was best pleased.

Anyways, I must away. I know it is only a short one today, but I didnt leave myself much time and I need to pick something to wear that doesnt clash with my cast :P

Ry

P.S.... I Love You

OK, so I want to start this blog firstly by saying a big hello and welcome to all the new followers I gained over the christmas break. Its usually a lot more active than this, so please stick with me while I get back into a rhythm after having a wee while off. Come say hello.

Secondly, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting, and sorry to everyone who I havent commented on. I promise I aint being ignorant and will get around to reading everything and giving my 2 pennies worth over the next two days.

So, I finally got to see Jay again properly. WOW. What an amazing day. The whole way there I had this massive grin on my face and I couldnt wait to just wrap my arms around him. As soon as I saw him I practically jumped on him and we held each other for ages. It felt like I hadnt seen him in months. We went and dropped his stuff off at mine and then went out to get some food and, I know this probably sounds weird, but get used to each other again.

We told each other tales of what we had been up to sinse we last saw each other. We filled a lot of conversation considering we had spoke each day, but it was very confortable with no awkward silences or anything and when the meal was over we headed back to mine. It was still pretty early, maybe 6ish, so we just lay on the bed together for a while, hugging, before taking a shower together. As soon as we were in there we couldnt keep our hands off each other and that is how we were for the next 5 or six hours.

It was so nice just to kiss and feel him against me again. but I lept zoning out every now and again, just caught up in the moment I guess. I did a lot of thinking over the holidays. Thoughts about us and where we may be headed, how much I missed him and how much I wanted to be with him, and it hit me. I am totally head over heels in love with this guy. I've known sinse I met the guy over a year ago that I had strong feelings for him. Feelings that didnt go away even when we lost touch for a while, and sinse we got back together two months ago I knew I was starting to love him, but I guess like they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder, and that was certainly the case.

The whole day that I was with him I felt like my head was going to explode. I had this massive feeling inside of me that was needing to come out, but I was just so aprehensive about how he may react. Was it too soon? Would he freak out? Would he even want to hear it? The funny thing is, it never entered my head as to whether or not he may say it back. I had no expectations at all, I just knew that I needed to tell him, but everytime I went to open my mouth nothing would come out. I just couldnt find the right time. Should I say it during sex? While we were cuddled up? Should I just drop it into conversation and hope it goes by without major reaction? I promised myself that however i did it, I would say it before I went to sleep.

In the end I kind of chickened out. I was so nervous about how he would react, that the 'perfect moment' scenario went out the window. My time was running out and by 3am he was giving me a kiss goodnight. I waited until the lights were out so I couldnt see his face, nor he mine, and as I said goodnight I whispered 'I love you'. A literal second of silence went by but it felt like a lifetime. In that one second I managed to have a million thoughts. I didnt know if he had heard me, or decided to ignore me, or was mortified that I had said it at all, and in that one second, I felt a fool. Just as I was about to open my mouth to apologise for making things awkward, he leaned in, kissed me on the lips and said 'I love you too, so much'.

My nerves subsided a tiny bit and a wave of relief came over me. Next thing I knew he was climbing onto me and we ended up making out and having sex again, and the perfect moment that I missed earlier, came into realisation then. Once it was said, it was like the flood gates were opened. We kept saying it too each other like we couldnt quite believe it had been said at all, and it may be the last chance we had to say it. He told me that he had been wanting to say it all day, and even before, but didnt know how and was hoping I was feeling the same so that I could say it first, which made me laugh. We were like a pair of fools, too scared to say it to the other. This morning we woke up wmiling at each other and it was heaven.

Right now I am amazingly happy and I just wanted to share my little story with you all. 2010 has started off brilliantly. Here's to a million more 'I love you's'.

Ry

Five Gold Rings

Merry Christmas everyone.

I know it is a couple of days early, but I think this may be my last blog until after christmas. I am going to my mums for christmas, and sinse my laptop is broken and I am using someone else's, and I dont get my new one until christmas day, there will probably be a few days silence from me. I'm sure everyone will be too busy to keep up anyways over the next week. I seriously can't wait for Christmas now. Plenty to talk about though in the meantime.

I will start off talking about Jay. Friday night was our last night together now for a few weeks. He took me out for a meal in town and then we went for a few drinks, before going to the midnight screening of Avatar. It was a really good film and we got to watch it in 3D, but there was a fuck up with the screen (it wasnt shown on the right one) so we were given free tickets to go and see something else whenever we want, so it wasnt so bad. It was 3am by the time we were getting out of the cinema though and the snow was coming down heavy so I couldnt wait to get home to bed.

We didnt manage to stay awake for too long on friday night, but we got up early and spent all of yesterday together. It was really nice just chilling out and doing nothing. We have gotten to a really comfortable place where there is no awkward silences or need to keep each other entertained. We just sit there enjoying each others company and its really nice. I am genuinly happier than I have been in long time. When it came time to leave it was so hard. Knowing that I wont be seeing him again for 3 weeks (with the exception of a few hours tomorrow) is horrible. He has said that he is thinking of coming back a few days early from his trip away so that he can see me, which although is awesome and I totally want him too, I have told him that he doesnt have to and I dont expect it. I am secretly hoping that he does though.

Today will be spent mostly packing for my time away. I am so unorganised it is unreal. My mum will be getting a lot of laundry to do at this rate. I can't wait to see all my old friends and family. It's been so long since I have been home for a visit, so although I hate that I am leaving Jay, I am also excited about seeing everyone else, so it is balancing out I guess. The snow is coming down thick and fast. It looks set to be a white christmas this year which is awesome. My first one sinse 1988. We have a couple of inches where I am now so I have to hope it lasts for the next few days until christmas so I can go and play with my neices and nephews. They are my cover story for wanting to build a snowman and have snowball fights.

In the news this week, Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh Rugby captain has come out as gay. The papers are making quite a big deal out of it, and so they should. As far as I have read, nobody has criticized his decision, but many have knocked the papers for reporting it like it is a big deal. The fact is, it is a big deal. I have met Gareth many times, through rugby and through the fact that he and my mum live close to each other and we used to drink in the same pub. That's not to say we are friends, but the odd bit of chit chat has occured, and I have to say that he is a very nice and charming man. The respect he gets from everyone is overwhelming and I dont think that will change now that he has revealed himself to be gay. The reason I think it is good that this news has been so widely reported, is that Gareth is the first openly gay Rugby Union player, to still be in the game. This is a positive move. I personally know of several players who are gay, both in the big leagues and in the smaller town clubs. People who will never come out because of the detrimental image that being gay brings to you in the eyes of straight, sporty stereotypes. I have spoken before about how I had to come out to my team mates, and it was a genuinly positive experience, but that isnt always going to be the case for people.

For someone of such high regard within the game, and a player who is so well known all over the world, I have a lot of respect for him to admit that he is gay. Opinions from fans will no doubt be divided, but one thing that won't change is the fact that he is an amazingly talented player, and a well liked and respected man. With a bit of luck this revelation will open people's eyes to the fact that not all gay people are airy fairy queens who hate sports and act like women. A stereotype all too common amongst people to ignorant to learn differently. What Gareth Thomas has done should be applauded. In coming out he has told thousands of people that it is ok to be gay, and that being gay doesnt define you. As he said, he is a rugby player first, and a gay man second. Hopefull his actions will inspire others to become honest with themselves and their team mates. The rugby world, and perhaps the world in general, could do with more positive role models like him.

On a personal note, the swelling on my nose has come down quite a lot and my black eyes are starting to look less scary. I need a haircut really badly. I am starting to look like Diana Ross. Think I will book myself in at the salon for tomorrow so that I can look good for the festive parties I will be attending

Other than that I don't think I have anything else to report. so if I dont manage to get on here agin before christmas, I just want to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a fab new year, and I will see you all on the other side.

Ryan

Broken Bones

Hello all. It's been a few days. A very eventful few days. I have a broken wrist and nose. Bad times. A guy went crazy with a bat outside the station and I took it to the wrist and an elbow to the face so I have been recovering for a few days with a little bit of extra TLC from Jay, hence the lack of bloggage. The plus side is I have extra leave, so an extra 8 days of holiday. Can't really complain about that I guess. It does mean that I will be out of rugby for the next two months though which really pisses me off. Maybe the sympathy vote will get me some extra christmas presents to cheer me up.

People keep looking at me in the street like I am a thug. My nose is plastered across my face and I have two black eyes. I probably shouldnt have gone out in my hoody I guess. I'm kinda proud of my war wounds though, which is totally stupid. The doctor who saw to me was gorgeous!! Well worth the pain.

Jay took me to the cinema this week. I let him choose the film and he went for Law Abiding Citizen. It wouldnt have been my choice and I thought it was going to be shit, but it was actually pretty good. Plus, Gerard Butler in his birthday suit is not altogether offputting.

Jay is going away tonight until monday. I'm already missing him. I am going to see him for a little bit this evening before he goes though which is something to look forward to I guess. We have an action packed week set for next week because after next weekend I am going home and he goes away the night before I come back, so we wont see each other for nearly three weeks. That's going to be horrible.

Anyways, I am going to keep this short because it is a ballache to type, and nothing else has really happened this week and there aint no point talking for the sake of it. Hope you all have had a good week. Drop by and say hi.

Ry.

Oh, forgot to add. I spoke to Shane about the whole baby thing. It didnt start off too well, but I explained my reservations and how now wasn't a good time for me. She was really pissed off at first, but the more I spoke, the more I think she realised that it was a big thing to ask of me. I tried to turn it slightly to get her to think about whether it was even the right time for her and I think it got her thinking about her situation. Her girlfriend is a nobhead for one, which I pointed out to her, and mainly, that a baby is for life, not just for christmas. Or at least something to that effect. So for the time being all plans are on hold and things are fine between us. Gotta be pleased with that result.

Peace out.

Ry

Pain In The Neck

Awwwww I'm in pain! Had a brutal morning at work. We had some drunken thug come in causing a scene and in his struggle to do a runner, I ended up pinned underneath him. He wasnt particularly heavy, but on the way down I caught the back of my neck on the filing cabinet and now it keeps clicking. The AO was trying to get me to wear a neck brace which was quite funny. I don't think it is that bad, just a bit sore and I was complaining that it wouldnt go with the uniform. Its all about the accessories after all.

Had a lovely evening with Jay last night. I met him from work and he dragged me around town looking for ways to spend his money. I wouldnt have minded but he didnt end up buying anything and I was itching to splash out, but I have put the Visa into retirement until after christmas. We went back to his and he made me dinner and we just chilled out watching some tv and whatnot. I dont know why I dont just say we had sex. I must be starting to become a prude. I keep substituting the word sex for 'whatnot'. There I go on another tangent....

Jay keeps asking to come over to mine but I am putting it off. He knows why. Its Smelly Gav. Jay says he doesnt mind but I dont want him to come over and have to sit in the stink if Gav happens to be home. Gav has to go away to work for a few days next week so maybe Jay can come over then. I've finally taken a stand against the mess as well. I did a massive clean on Sunday, top to bottom. Everything was sparkly and fresh. Once it was all done I told everyone that it was the last time I was going to do it, and so now I am just sitting down and watching the mess pile up. Lets see how long it takes before they get sick of it.

Two weeks today I am going away. I am going back to my mums over christams. I haven't been home for ten months so I can't wait to catch up with everyone. The longer I leave it, the more drinks people buy me when we go out, so I should have a few cheap nights this christmas. I talk about drinking a lot. I actually hardly do it, I just seem to have lots of drink fuelled stories. I am going to be hone for 8 days, which isnt very long, but all I can get off from work. It sucks though because the day before I get back, Jay is going away and so I wont be seeing him until the 3rd of January. We have lots of things planned in the run up to me going to my mums though, so it's not all bad.

I dont know what to do with myself today. I was going to go to the gym, but I dont have the drive to get up and go. I've been dead lazy the last few days. Think I've only been 4 times in the last week or so. I have to try and go twice as much in the next few weeks so that I can pig out when I go home because my mother always accuses me of not eating properly and tries fattening me up like a prize pig, so I figure if I put the work in before I go home, it wont have such a bad effect on my waistline. I sound really pretentious, but I spent a fortune on new jeans last week and I am determined to be able to still fit in them in the new year.

Tonight I am meeting up with Shane to tell her my feelings on the whole baby thing. I spent ages trying to work out how I can get out of it, then it dawned on me that all I can do is be honest about my reservations and hope that she is ok with it. In the 20 years we have known each other, we have only ever had one real arguement, so I think we are solid enough that things wont get out of hand. I will update everyone on the progress of that one anyways.

I am going out this weekend and I can't wait. I havent been out for the last three Saturdays and it has been doing my head in. Well, with the exception of last Saturday, which I spent in bed with Jay. that was pretty awesome. But yea, this Saturday is my friend Wez's birthday. Its his 22nd. Well it isnt, it's his 27th, but he stopped at 22 and so we keep having 22nd birthdays for him. I dont know why he chose 22. Its a bit random, but hey ho. Some people are just a little bit odd I guess.

Ry

Bringing Up Baby

Hello there everyone. Had a quiet few days on the blogging front. So will give you all a little update of my weekend before getting onto the big topic of today.

Friday started with me playing mediator between a group of my friends who all seemed to have a mass falling out. It started over a game of rugby, with two of them arguing, which then escelated into people taking sides, insults being thrown and now about 8 of them aint talking to each other. All of them were texting and ringing me to try and sort things out and I tried, but then I ended up falling into an arguement with someone aswell. It was all very childish so I have left them all to sort it out for themselves.

Friday evening I went over to Jay's. I met him off the train when he finished work and we went back to his, where I stayed until this morning. I wont fill you in on all the gory details, but it was a brilliant weekend. Its the first time I guess that we have managed to spend a considerable amount of time together in one go without one of us having to run off to work or something. He is really starting to open up a lot more which is good, and he even woke me up to breakfast in bed which was pretty awesome. I could get used to that. He didnt want me to leave today, and I didnt want to either, but I had stuff I had to sort out at home, or I would still be there with him now. I am meeting him tomorrow once I finish work and we are just going to have some chill out time together. Dont you just love it at the start of a new relationship when everything is new and exciting?

So, on to the main point of todays blog. I have been meaning to write about this for a few days, but have been thinking things over in my head. One of my best friends in the whole wide world is Shane (that girl with a guys name I spoke about before). Well Shane is a lesbian and has been with her girlfriend for about 4 years. I dont particularly like her, but Shane does, so you kinda just have to play nice. Anyways, they have decided that they want a baby. And they want me to donate some of the ingredients.

I have always said to Shane that I would do it. I guess though that a part of me never thought she would ask, and even if she did, I figured I would be mid thirties before she called me up for service and now I dont know what to do. On one hand, I would do anything for her. She has always been there for me and I know that she has asked me because she loves and trusts me above all others. But on the other hand, I am only 24 and I dont really know if it is a responsibility that I want. She has been very specific about the fact that they wouldnt want anything from me in terms of parentage or money, but she is my best friend, and I dont know if I am ready to be in a position where I see her everyday with what is, I suppose, my kid. How do you detatch yourself from those feelings, and are you even meant too?

If I am honest, I dont think I really want to do it. At least not right now. But I think that if I say no to her then I might be fucking up our friendship. On the surface I know she would say she understands and it is ok, but deep down I know it would be devestating for her because I dont think there is anyone else she could really ask. I just dont know what to do, and I have been thinking it over for a few days, but still have no clue. Its my sperm, but without the sex would it technically be my kid? I always figured that if the time came when she asked, then I would be older, and more willing to have some sort of an active role, but I dont want to have a kid and if I did it now it would seem like nothing more than sort of business transaction or something. What I dont want is to be in a position where I cant shake off the feelings that I have a kid, and then have to watch as I have nothing more to do with it. She has put no pressure on me to say yes, but know that it is kind of expected of me. How do I tell her that I dont want to do it?

Ry

Off The Shelf

Yesterday was perfect. It was just a brilliant day from start to finish. I woke up at about 10am which is pretty late for me, then I got my shiz together and went to the gym. I was there for probably 2 hours, and then came home, got ready and headed into town. I know, boring so far.

So I went to meet up with Jay. We had arranged a few days earlier to go to the cinema. I met him from the train after work and then off we went to watch Paranormal Activity. Finally! It's actually a really good film. The pace is a bit slow at times and I didnt find it at all scary, but I think the atmosphere was a bit wrong and I couldnt get into it properly for the scares. The cinema was packed out. People were sitting on the stairs because they couldnt get chairs together. We had a group of french people behind us who were talking in french all the way through it. I think the biggest fright they had during the film was when I turned around and told them in french to shut the fuck up. We also had two girs to the side of us who were texting and talking the whole time, so as much as I enjoyed the film, I couldnt really get fully into it because of the noise everyone was making. I was there with Jay thoguh and we were cuddled up and holding hands, so I didn't care too much.

When we got out of the cinema we went for a beer. It was a lot earlier than we thought so we had a bit of time to hang around before he had to leave. Anyways, I go off point too much. So we went for a beer. We sat in the bar talking and chatting and he kept holding my hand. I didnt mind obviously, but he isnt usually so tactile when we are out. Something was different anyway, I had noticed that sinse he had gotten off the train. He was more touchy feely, he was full of compliments and just generally more effectionate and talkative. As people who read this regularly will know, as I have said before, Jay doesnt really do a lot of talking or emoting and whatnot and I usually end up getting frustrated with his apathy. Anyways, off I go again. So we didnt stay at the bar for too long. We were being leered at by some drunken pervert who came over to us while we were kissing, stood right next to us going 'mmmmmm' and just watching us like a wierdo.

So we drank up and left for him to get on the tram back to his place. We stopped off at the chip shop on the way, and because we had a bit of time to spare we went and sat on a bench overlooking the city. We had a little chat and he started mumbling something and I was trying to work out what he was saying and then he finally just looked at me and said 'Do you want to be my boyfriend?' I felt like I was being proposed to or something and I started laughing, but I of course said yes and then we kissed. I dont care how cheesy it sounds, it was the perfect moment. Just the two of us, sharing a bag of chips and sitting arm in arm on a bench overlooking the hustle of the city. Unfortunately though, he had to leave soon after, but I smiled all the way home. I think it meant even more because I know how hard it is for him to come out and say something like that, and so for him to actually ask me out, instead of just hoping I would get the hint that we were more than just dating is a big thing. I just wish I didnt have to wait until tomorrow to see him again. At least we have the weekend together though.

Ry

Bring On The Snow

Evening merry gentlemen.

December is upon us and it is now officially (for me, anyway) ok to start looking forward to Christmas. I have been watching people putting up decorations on their houses today and it has really got me in the festive mood. 24 days left until Santa unloads his sack for me :P





I was having man issues last night. Or at least, I think I may have been. Text messaging should be banned. I always try to not read anything into a text because words can be read in a million ways, but a text from Jay last night in what was probably an innocent or even jokey manner, came accross as not so nice, and then I spent the whole night stewing over what was meant by it. I tried texting back and asking him to explain, but then things were getting confusing because neither of us were understanding what the other was on about. I rang him this morning and everything got cleared up, but that feeling of unease last night was horrible. Sorted now though, so its all good.

As a little aside, it is taking me ages to write this because Sleeping With The Enemy has just come on cable and I haven't seen it for years and it's reshocking me all over again.

My nomination for arsehole of the week goes to Rupert Everett who today has said that gay actors should stay in the closet because they can never be successful otherwise. I haven't tried to 'break America' as it were, but I just always put his limited success down to the fact that he isn't actually a very good actor as apposed to the fact he was gay. Maybe it's an attitude like his that makes it harder for gay actors to be seen as leading men. When an openly gay actor tells others they should stay in the closet, what does that say to all the studios and directors out there?

A little update on my friend Emma. Me and Shane tried to talk to her but she was having none of it. For a while she seemed a little hesitant in her response though, so we at least think she has taken it on board. She didnt say so outright, but I could tell she was pissed off with us. She tried saying that we must have misinterpreted what we saw and came up with a 100 other excuses. I guess the only person who can make her see sense is herself. I will be there when it all falls apart though.

My smelly housemate decided to get a bus into town today instead of driving, then came home and moaned about the 'state of the people' who take public transport, and how the person next to him was really smelly. I'm starting to think that he either thinks I am joking when I tell him he reeks, or he is just outright fucking stupid.




I just want to take a second to give a shout out to all my new followers and readers, and everyone who has made comments on my posts. It's great to come on and read them and I look forward to more. Hope everyone has a great day, wherever you are in the world.

Ry


Just to add, that little picture above is a pressie for all my followers to help keep you warm on these winter nights. Or just to gawp at, whatever suits you :D

Lazy Days And Sundays

What a great day it has been today. Last night I was up quite late and I had a few beers, so getting up early this morning wasnt the easiest thing to do, but I had made arrangements with Jay to go over for a duvet day, so I had to drag myself out of bed.

I didnt want to have to get ready and do my hair, so I ended up driving over in my boxers and vest with a pair of trainers. I got one or two funny looks from the neighbours but at that point of the day I didnt care very much. As soon as I got to his house, I climbed right under the duvet and cuddled up. It was heaven!

We stayed in bed just chatting and whatnot(!) until about 2'o'clock and then we had a proper boys day. He made me cook and then we played World Of Warcraft and Assassins Creed for a while. Not my usual idea of a fun day, but he likes it and I enjoyed myself. Then we got back into bed and watched dvd's. I intorduced him to Gavin & Stacey (watch it online if you dont know it, it is brilliant) and he introduced me to Battlestar Galactica, on which I am now hooked. 3 hour pilot though, whats that all about?

We got ourselves a takeaway for dinner. It's my third one this week. I am going to hate myself at the gym tomorrow. Anyways, we ate that and then cuddled in bed for a few more hours until I had to leave. I really wish I could have stayed, but we got about 12 hours, which is better than a kick up the arse. We are off to the cinema on tuesday now, and next weekend we are both off of work, so we are doing the weekend together. Perhaps not my most interesting post ever, but I am a very happy chappy and I wanted to share.

Last night I was chatting with my '#1 Fan', Jack, and promised that I would start documenting my dating disasters. Believe me, there are hundreds, so starting from tomorrow I will be posting my daily dating disasters. Come back and have a read and a mock. I think thats all I have to say for tonight and theres no point talking for the sake of it, so until next time, keep smiling.

Ry

Coming out

I got way too drunk for my own good last night. I ended up getting wasted on a couple of bottles of wine, removing various items of clothes and then dancing and singing to old reggae songs. It wasn't my finest hour, but I had fun anyway. Paid for it this morning though when I woke up and vommed. Bad times. I woke up to 4 very lovely texts from Jay. He was drunk, but it obviously loosened him up a bit because he was being such a sweetheart. I thought he would go all shy and deny them this morning but he was cool about it and said he meant the things he was saying. Bless!

Anyways, there is a point to today's post. I was chatting with a guy yesterday (you should all check out his blog HERE) and I promised him that I would right my coming out story. And so this is it....

I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I was 15 when I cam out to my mother. I had known all my life that I was gay and it was never one of those things I suddenly had to come to terms with, I just always knew and accepted it. I come from a family made up mainly of men. I have 4 older brothers and so I kinda had a lot to live upto in terms of following them into sports and 'man stuff'. My dad skipped out on us when I was 2 and so I never really bothered with him much, and my mum was both parents and my main role model, and we have always been amazingly close. I would say she is like a best friend to me.

Anyways, I probably would have come out when I was about 13 had it not been for the fact I felt I was letting my brothers down. I had had sexual encounters with guys and knew that that was what I was into, but I always kept it as my secret. One night when I was about 14, me and a friend got drunk on a bottle of whiskey we found at her house. I remember for some reason admitting to her that I was gay. She didn't believe me at first, but then I started telling her some stuff about what I had done and she was soon convinced. I remember how free I felt, telling my best friend and having her not give a damn in the slightest. Once I sobered up the following morning though I was mortified and immediately rung her to say it was only meant to be a joke and I couldnt believe she fell for it. She was having none of it though, and my secret was out for good.

Everything was fine for a few months, I used to confide my stories in her, and she always kept them to herself. We used to go around in group, as kids do, of about 15 or 20 of us. We used to hang around the park or whatever, not causing mischief, just being teens. Anyways, this guy started hanging around with us called David. He was a few years older, as camp as tits and a screaming homosexual. I became fascinated with him for being so out there. Every guy I had ever been with was sharing my closet, so to meet and befriend someone so open with their sexuality was refreshing.

One night we were walking home, just David and I, and we were talking about random stuff when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I lied and said no, and he asked me if I wanted to try it. I said yes, probably a little too eagerly, what with my hormones kicking in, and we stood there in the middle of the street making out. I didnt find him attractive. It wasnt a sex thing at all. To ask me now, I have no idea why I kissed him, but I was 15 and horny I guess, so I did. i went home and thought nothing more of it.

Now, most people come out. I think I was dragged out kicking and screaming. A few days after our kiss, David had told everyone. It's one thing keeping a secret from friends, but I wasnt willing to lie, so when questioned (see: Spanish Inquisition) I admitted that his story was true. Some of the guys didnt believe it at first, others thought it was hysterical, but despite the barrage of questions, not a single one of them said anything negative about it. I realised then how great my friends are, and how much I love and value each and every one.



I knew that with so many people knowing, and living in such a small town as I did, that it wouldnt be long until the rumours would get back to my mum, and I knew I would have to tell her. I left it a couple of days, but I thought I owed her the respect to hear it from me and not someone else.

On the day I decided to tell her, things were pretty shitty. I had had a crap day at school, had rowed with my mother the night before, and was generally just nervous as hell. In what was probably the least smart move of my life up to that point, I managed to get myself a flagon of cider and got wasted before going home that evening. I had two of my friends on standby incase things got ugly, and I went home intent that I wouldnt leave again until my mum knew everything. What I had forgotten however, was that my mum was having a dinner party that evening, that I was supposed to be there for. Her, me, and 8 guests. I genuinly had forgotten, but she thought I missed it on purpose because of our arguement the night before.

As soon as I got through the door she knew I was drunk. She gave me that look that only a mother can give and I knew things werent going to go smoothly. She calmly told me to sit down at the table, but then changed her mind and told me to get upstairs. I have never seen her look so embarrassed. I was falling about everywhere and mumbling rubbish to myself. In the end she lost it a bit and started raising her voice. I started storming up the stairs, banging each step as I went. I heard her shout something to me about being grounded and without even registering what was going on, I stood at the top of the stairs, in full view of everyone and screamed

"You just hate me because I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

I barely managed to register her expression before tripping over my own foot and falling down the stairs and passing out drunk against the door. The next thing I remember was being propped against the sofa with my mum staring at me. Everyone had left except for Susan, my mums best friend and I could tell they were waiting for answers. I didnt really know what to say so I started giggling to myself.

From there on out, it all got a bit horrible. My mother gave me the 'I will always love you, but...' speech and I lost it. My mum, the person I was closest to in the whole world, wasnt scooping me in her arms and telling me that everything was going to be alright. We ended up having a blazing arguement and I told her I was leaving. I phoned up my friend and stayed at hers. It was January 11th 2001 and I remember walking through the snow, drunk and crying my eyes out. I cried my eyes out all night.

The following day I went back to my mums and spoke to her soberly. She told me that she wasnt annoyed with me that I was gay, but that I put her in a very awkward situation by telling her in front of everyone else and just expecting her to deal with it, which years later makes more sense than it did then. Things were a bit odd between us for a while. Neither of us knew what to say to the other, and the subject was never raised again until about 3 years later. I spent that whole time thinking that it was because my mother was in denial about it, but when it was brought up again, and I questioned her about it, she told me that it was never an issue for her, so she never felt the need to bring it up for no reason, and sinse I never raised the subject, she thought I didnt want to talk about it. I think sometimes it is easier to just to be open about things and that way wires can't get cross.

I am happy to say that in the end everything worked out brilliantly. Me and my mother are closer than we ever have been and me being gay means nothing more than my eyes being blue. Its a part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.

I suppose the only thing more daunting than telling my mum was having the rugby boys find out. In a very heterosexual sport I thought I would be thrown off the team, but that also went really well. My first day back at training after everyone found out was one of the scariest things of my life. I needn't have worried though. Every single guy on the team was fine about it and when I got to the changing room they had taped the soap to the wall with duct tape and written in shaving foam 'nobody bends over for the soap unless Ryan wins us the game this weekend'. They then continued to wind me up for, well, they still havent stopped.

Where Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

One of my oldest friends in the world is a girl called Emma. Sinse we started school together 20 years ago, we and another friend, have been inseperable. We tell each other everything and we are all really close.

About three years ago, Emma started dating a guy called Brian. I have known him for a while, and although he is nice enough, he is also a bit of a jerk when it comes to the ladies. He has three kids with three different mothers, and was well known for being a bit of a player. Regardless of this though, Emma fell for him and was convinced she could change his ways.

They got together a week after he finished with his ex (after he found out she was pregnant with baby number 2) and within about 3 months, Emma had also fallen pregnant. Despite our concerns, both me and our third friend, Shane (a girl with a guys name), kept our mouths closed and wished her well. We figured there was no point lecturing her about a circumstance that she was already in, so just supported her and waited for him to do his dissappearing act.

To our surprise, he stuck around and nine months later they had a gorgeous daughter (his third child). Things seemed to be going well for them, but there were whisperings among our friends of him trying it on with anything in a skirt whenever he was on a night out. Again, we kept quiet until we saw it with our own eyes. One night in town he tried it on with Shanes younger sister, as well as the sister of my ex, and countless other girls. We decided it was time to tell Emma, but of course he denied everything and arguements erupted about us being 'jealous and interfering'.

I think deep down she knew we wouldnt lie to her about that, but she wanted to believe he wouldnt do that to her, and so buried her head in the sand. Months went by and we kept hearing stories, and watching him be a bit of a dick to Emma, calling her names and putting her down, but nothing more was said about the subject.

About half hour ago I popped over to Shane's (she lives down the road) and as we were talking on her doorstep we saw Brian, coming out of one of the neighbours houses and having a pash fest with the bird who lived there, on the doorstep. BUSTED! He saw us and pushed her back in the house and shut the door. What a fucking idiot. It's one thing to fuck around, but to be so obvious about it where he knows there is a chance he could be caught is just fucking stupid.

Anyways, now I have got the background out of the way, what I need is advice. Do we tell Emma what has been going on? I don't want to be in a situation where we have an arguement about it, and we only have our word against his, but I hate to see her being treated like this. She is 24 with a young kid and it kills me to know he is doing this to one of my best friends. Should I tell her, or let it run its course. I think whatever happens, Shane and I will be seen as the bad guys. Have any of you been in this situation? I feel kinda stuck.

Random Witterings

So, I managed to get about 9 hours of sleep in last night, and I am feeling fresh as a button today. What a random saying that is. Are buttons fresh? I digress... My mood is much better today. Everyone had left the house when I woke up so I had a chance to just relax for a bit. I think my ranting last night got through to at least one of them because when I came downstairs, the house was spotless. Will have to let rip with the temper more often if it gets them cleaning. It has put me in a great mood today though, which is fab.

I was supposed to be going to the gym today but I kinda cant be arsed. My friend, who I took to the gym with me the other day, is nagging me to get off my arse and go with her. I think I have turned her into a little gym bunny. I guess I will see how I feel in an hour or so. God knows why she can't go on her own though. What is it with women? They can't even go to the toilet on their own.

Feeling loads better about Jay today. I know he didnt do anything wrong last night, and I was just being an arsehole, but this morning he has been sending me loads of texts and saying that he missed me and whatnot. It's really nice because he never says things like that. The closest he has got to that is saying things like 'It would be cool if you were here', or something to that effect.

I get the evening off of work tonight because I swapped a shift, which means I now have a long weekend. Good times indeed! My friend is working the circuits as a comedian and has a gig tonight that he wants me to go too. He is actually really good and I know he will make something of himself. I just hate watching him because a lot of his act involves stories about his friends, including me, and it is dead embarrassing when he picks you out of the crowd and you have 400 people staring and laughing at you. I guess I should go support him though.

The weather is shocking today. I want to go and have a look around the christmas market, but I may give it a miss. I go every year and the most I have bought is a crepe, but I like to have a look around anyways. Maybe when the weather is better though. The UK is still being battered. The wind and rain is shocking and it is set to get worse over then next few weeks. It isnt so bad at this end of the country. Some floods, but nothing like the midlands and south. If you havent heard on the news, this will give you a little idea of how bad it has been Clickey Click.

I can't decide what to eat for my dinner. I overdosed on Crunchy Nut Cornflakes when I woke up. I am craving junk food today, but luckily I dont have any in the house or I would be like a bloated old moose by the end of the day. I just want chocolate and crisps and shit like that. Think I will have a soak in the bath to take my mind off of it and relieve the boredom. I will probably end up going to the gym anyways, just to get out of the house for a bit.

Late Nights, Paranormal Activity and Smelly Housemates

Well last night was a bit of a washout. I didn't finish training until about 9ish, so by the time I swung by Jay's it was nearing ten and I was fooked! I think he was a bit annoyed with me to be honest because I just kinda flopped myself down on the bed and gave him very little attention. I didnt want the night to end with me catching z's twenty minutes after arriving, so I had a quick shower to relax, which he insisted on watching, and then gave him the attention he was after.

I didn't stay too late, probably until about midnight, but getting out of that bed was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do. The weather has been so rubbish lately, and it was so warm and comfy being wrapped in those sheets and entwined with him, but I knew if I didnt get home and do at least a couple of hours of sleep, then I would be a zombie today. I think I managed about 4 hours before I had to get up and make myself pretty for work.

I don't know why I ever agree to do extra shifts because they are so boring. I mean really boring! I work in a police station and although I love my job, the extra shifts are always the early morning ones when all the action has already happened and I am left dealing with the paperwork. I suppose it is more money at the end of the month though and it was only a 5 hour shift. The lack of sleep must have been affecting me more than I realised because on the drive home from work I was listening to Listen, that Beyonce song from Dreamgirls and I started crying. What the fuck is that all about?

I am trying to psych myself up to go to the gym this afternoon, but I just cant find the energy to go. I need to do something to get out of the house though. I ham having housemate issues. Five of us live together and although I would count 3 of them as some of my best mates, one of them does my head in beyond belief. He is a bitchy little queen with a Britney obsession who refuses to admit he is gay, despite the fact he munches more cock than anyone I know. I wouldnt mind so much if he just didnt speak, but he is a meddler. He is always up in everyones business, listening in to conversations that don't involve him, and sticking his unwelcome two pennies worth in at every opportunity and it winds me up. Add to that the fact that he is a dirty little fucker and it is enough to drive me mad. He is so messy and untidy and he doesnt wash, so he stinks, and despite me frequently telling him to scrub his pits, he still avoids bathing at all costs, and I think it is rank. I am a hygiene freak, and I dont understand how someone can take such little pride in their appearance. He has a day off of work today and I can't bear to be stuck in the house with him, so I need to occupy myself until the others get home.

Tonight I am meant to be going to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema with some friends. It came out over here yesterday, and I have been dying to see it for months. Have any of you seen it? It seems to have been out everywhere else for ages. I love things to do with ghosts and the supernatural so I think I will enjoy this and the trailer looks really good so I have high expectations. I just hope I stay awake long enough to go, because to be honest as much as I want to see it, I am considering cancelling just so I can get an early night and some shut eye.

Well it's time for some lunch now. I'm thinking boiled potatoes, cous cous and chicken in a tomato and chilli sauce. I love cooking, but lately I have been eating crappy ready meals because I have been so busy. Need to nip that in the bud.

No Rest For The Wicked

Busy day today. Spent 2 hours at the gym this afternoon, but decided to walk too and form the gym, so it was an extra hour each way. I won't be doing that again in a hurry!!! I took a friend of mine with me today as well. She had never been to the gym so I thought I would introduce her. I usually like to work out on my own because I don't like the distractions, but she really enjoyed herself and says she will start going regularly which is nice to hear.

Finished at the gym and ruined it all by tucking into a bacon butty. It's all I have eaten today thought, so that is my justification. Don't judge me. Got to get ready for rugby practice now. It doesnt start until half 6, so will drive down to save a bit of time, then off over to Jay's for a couple of hours. I was planning on staying the night but the boss has asked me to go into work tomorrow at 6, which will mean being up at 4.30, and I dont want to wake him when he has work at 9. Have arranged to stay over his at the weekend instead though.

To be honest I could quite happily cancel everything for the evening, have a soak in the bath and then go to bed. Got a headache that I can't shake and I've worked some random shifts lately so my sleep pattern is shot to shit. Better to be busy than sat on my arse doing nothing I suppose.

Anyways, just a quick post for now. I realise it is pretty boring, but hey, indulge me with your commments anyways.

Peace out :D

Coffee And Shopping

Now that my morning rant is out of the way, I can get on with the fun stuff. It isnt even 2pm and I have had quite an event filled day.

Once I finished at the gym I went for my obligitory Starbucks. I’ve been feeling pretty Christmasy for the last few days, so I ditched my usual Caramel (light) Machiato and instead opted for the Cherry Mocha. I don’t even like cherries, but it had a picture of holly on the cup in the picture, so it was good enough for me. The place was dead because I had beaten the commuters, so I got chatting to the guy serving me while I waited. He said he was new to the area and was asking about where to go, drink, eat etc.

Without thought, I was just stood at the counter sipping my coffee while we talked. He was fit. And when I say fit, I mean DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, FIT AS FUCK!!! He obviously worked out because he had a great boddy that was rippling out of his shirt, and gorgeous smile and seemed genuinly nice and funny. I must have being giving off my ’screaming homo’ vibe, because he casually dropped into the conversation that maybe I could show him around town sometime, and in return he would treat me to dinner. We shared a knowing glance before swapping numbers. A little bit of chit chat later and I then had to leave. He gave me a wink as I left and off I went.

Now, anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I am in the middle of potentially starting something along the lines of formal dating with someone else, and I aint really one for running two guys at once, but all the same, being chatted up over morning coffee is nice, and put me in a great mood for the day.



I needed a new pair of headphones and the ones I wanted are about £20, so I had to head into town to get them this morning, so once I left the coffee shop, I headed towards the shops. BAD MOVE! I am a nightmare shopper. My friends hate going shopping with me because I will take 4 hours in a each shop. It’s ridiculous. If I know what I need, then I can be in and out in a flash, without distraction, but today, I spotted a sale in All Saints. I swear, I tried to just walk past the shop, but I couldnt do it, so in I went. Just to browse obviously.

An hour later I came out. A fucking hour. I spent nearlu £300 on new clothes when all I wanted was a pair of headphones, which in all the excitement I forgot to get, so by the time I got back to the car and remembered, meant I then had to walk all the way back into town. I made sure this time to keep my head down and not get distracted by any shop windows. I suppose on the plus side, for my £300 I got 3 fantastic pairs of jeans, and a new top. Bargain.


I am starting to think when I need something I should just go online so I wont get distracted by the shiny window displays.

Should We Ever Go Back?

Someone told me once that you should only ever give a man one chance to screw things up. Nobody is so important that you should let them get away with walking all over you. It was something that I took very seriously, and for better or worse, applied to all my 'relationships'. In a way, I suppose that my attitude stopped me from getting myself into a serious relationship, and getting my feelings hurt as a result. Previous bad experiences with love also made me think twice about letting my guard down with new people who showed an interest, and I was instead quite happy doing the no strings sex thing.

Last year, around October time, I did the unthinkable and fell head over heels for a guy, who we shall call Jay, for the sake of this story. There was just something about him that made me go weak at the knees, and I got butterfly's everytime I saw him. I know, 'yuck' right? He was 2 years younger than me, but more mature than anyone I had ever dated. He had all these little idiosyncrasies that on anyone else would make him seem like a crazy person, but on him just added to the list of things I was starting to love about him.

After spending quite a lot of time with each other, he started to go a bit cold on me. His explanation was that he was still trying to work out what he wanted and whatnot. I was patient because I understood where he was coming from, but within a few days, without explanation he stopped taking my calls and texts, and so despite my feelings I cut off all ties.

In the months that followed, I got a few random texts from him, asking how I was and if I fancied going for a drink and I more or less ignored them all, figuring he had blown his chance, and it was time to move on. After not hearing from him in about 5 months, about 3 weeks ago he sent me a message out of the blue asking how I was. I was feeling at a bit of a low point and so I decided to reply and arranged to meet up for a drink with him that night.

Within a few minutes of being around him again, A lot of the old feelings started coming back, and by the end of the night we were at his house having sex. I didnt plan it, and I wasnt even sure if I was doing it because I wanted too, or because right there and then, I needed someone, and he was there. I started questioning whether I was acting any better than he had months before, and whether I was in a position to judge. One thing was for sure though, that I didnt expect to be hearing from him again for a long while.

True to form, the next few days went by without hardly a word. The plans we made to see each other again got cancelled (by him), and I was kicking myself for being in the same place I was a year ago. Only this time I had put myself there. Despite feeling stubborn about the situation, I still found myself waiting for my phone to ring. The next time I heard from him was a drunken 4am phonecall about a week later asking if he could come over. I told him to fuck off and hung up, finally deciding that we should NEVER go back.

Against my better judgement, and with my brain being overuled by my crotch, I decided to meet up again with him and after a couple of bottles of wine, we ended up back in bed together. This time though things were different. He asked me to stay the following morning when I said I needed to go, and he told me he was sorry for all the things that had happened between us before, and he knew now what he wanted, and that was for us to try and make a go of things. Part of me was really happy, but part of me was only there for the sex. Had I become the type of man I spent my life trying to avoid? Should I have gone back?

Today we were supposed to be going out for sushi in a nice Japanese place called Wasabi. I was kind of looking forward to it, but at the same time knew that if I went i was going to go for all the wrong reasons. Anyways, this morning I sent him a text making up an excuse, and cancelled. He is eager to rearrange the date, but I dont know if it is a good idea. I like him, but I think I am holding back on any sort of commitment, even in a tiny form, because I dont want to be in the place I was last time. I feel awful, and realise I am being a bit of a dickhead with my actions, but I genuinly dont know what I want, or what I should do. Should we ever go back? Well I guess that is up to you, but I say you should tread with care and take a bin bag with you to pick up the pieces when it all gets messy.