The Big 5 0

Woohoo my 50th blog post. The first one seems like a million ago. Probably because the time between posts seems to be getting bigger but I have been a busy boy of late. i feel I should mark this post with something special, but nothing is coming to mind. Any ideas? Let me know if there is anything you want to see in the next blog and I will get too it. I am counting on your imaginations being more inventive than mine here. We can't all be stupid together.

So what have I been upto? Hmm, well I have just completed three days working at BBC Northwest. I was kind of just there for show really, but it was wicked fun. A colleague and myself were asked to go to act as advisors for a new show being filmed. The guy I was with did all the advising, while I went star hunting. They were a great bunch of people though, and a very random experience was had, but it was a good few days.



So who is watching Glee at the moment? That Madonna episode was pretty brilliant wasnt it? Loved Sue doing Vogue. And Of Course Doctor Who is back on as well. Matt Smith is the best Doctor since Patrick Troughton. All this tv is tunring me into a couch potato.

Jay and I have booked some tickets to go and see Paloma Faith next month. Have I told you all this already? Well anyways, we havem and I can't wait. Her album, if you haven't heard it already, is fantastic. Go download it. This guy demands it:

I chose this guy because he weirdly looks a lot like Jay, except Jay has lighter hair and less of a tan :D

I have arranged to go back to my rugby training the week after next. After all the injuries and downtime I think half of the guys have forgotten who I am, but it will be great to get back to the game. Since the car crash and the first wrist break, I have got a lot of catching up to do. Jay is winding me up saying I am getting a podgy belly so I have to get back to full training on the pitch and in the gym. He is just bitter because I am making him flabby though.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately but I can't stop baking cakes. In a manly way of course :P But yea, I am feeding him up with treats and that's never good. I will end up on a documentary if this keeps up, about people who feed their partners. I'm not trying to make him fat obviously, and he is still a skinny little runt, but I wouldnt care how he looked. Come on, big awww!!

We are off to see Kick Ass tomorrow. Have any of you seen it? Is it any good? I can't say I am particularly fussed, but Jay is dead excited to see it. We went to watch Clash Of The Titans last week, and that was pretty good. It was a bit slow in parts, but overall pretty good. And who can moan at Sam Worthington and his abs eh?

Right, on that note I am going to bring this one to a close. Jay is doing overtime today and I promised I would have dinner ready for when he comes home. Nothing fancy, just pork chops, carrots and croquettes. If he is lucky he might get some gravy too. Just call me Gordon Ramsey. No, on second thoughts....

Ry

Five Gold Rings

Merry Christmas everyone.

I know it is a couple of days early, but I think this may be my last blog until after christmas. I am going to my mums for christmas, and sinse my laptop is broken and I am using someone else's, and I dont get my new one until christmas day, there will probably be a few days silence from me. I'm sure everyone will be too busy to keep up anyways over the next week. I seriously can't wait for Christmas now. Plenty to talk about though in the meantime.

I will start off talking about Jay. Friday night was our last night together now for a few weeks. He took me out for a meal in town and then we went for a few drinks, before going to the midnight screening of Avatar. It was a really good film and we got to watch it in 3D, but there was a fuck up with the screen (it wasnt shown on the right one) so we were given free tickets to go and see something else whenever we want, so it wasnt so bad. It was 3am by the time we were getting out of the cinema though and the snow was coming down heavy so I couldnt wait to get home to bed.

We didnt manage to stay awake for too long on friday night, but we got up early and spent all of yesterday together. It was really nice just chilling out and doing nothing. We have gotten to a really comfortable place where there is no awkward silences or need to keep each other entertained. We just sit there enjoying each others company and its really nice. I am genuinly happier than I have been in long time. When it came time to leave it was so hard. Knowing that I wont be seeing him again for 3 weeks (with the exception of a few hours tomorrow) is horrible. He has said that he is thinking of coming back a few days early from his trip away so that he can see me, which although is awesome and I totally want him too, I have told him that he doesnt have to and I dont expect it. I am secretly hoping that he does though.

Today will be spent mostly packing for my time away. I am so unorganised it is unreal. My mum will be getting a lot of laundry to do at this rate. I can't wait to see all my old friends and family. It's been so long since I have been home for a visit, so although I hate that I am leaving Jay, I am also excited about seeing everyone else, so it is balancing out I guess. The snow is coming down thick and fast. It looks set to be a white christmas this year which is awesome. My first one sinse 1988. We have a couple of inches where I am now so I have to hope it lasts for the next few days until christmas so I can go and play with my neices and nephews. They are my cover story for wanting to build a snowman and have snowball fights.

In the news this week, Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh Rugby captain has come out as gay. The papers are making quite a big deal out of it, and so they should. As far as I have read, nobody has criticized his decision, but many have knocked the papers for reporting it like it is a big deal. The fact is, it is a big deal. I have met Gareth many times, through rugby and through the fact that he and my mum live close to each other and we used to drink in the same pub. That's not to say we are friends, but the odd bit of chit chat has occured, and I have to say that he is a very nice and charming man. The respect he gets from everyone is overwhelming and I dont think that will change now that he has revealed himself to be gay. The reason I think it is good that this news has been so widely reported, is that Gareth is the first openly gay Rugby Union player, to still be in the game. This is a positive move. I personally know of several players who are gay, both in the big leagues and in the smaller town clubs. People who will never come out because of the detrimental image that being gay brings to you in the eyes of straight, sporty stereotypes. I have spoken before about how I had to come out to my team mates, and it was a genuinly positive experience, but that isnt always going to be the case for people.

For someone of such high regard within the game, and a player who is so well known all over the world, I have a lot of respect for him to admit that he is gay. Opinions from fans will no doubt be divided, but one thing that won't change is the fact that he is an amazingly talented player, and a well liked and respected man. With a bit of luck this revelation will open people's eyes to the fact that not all gay people are airy fairy queens who hate sports and act like women. A stereotype all too common amongst people to ignorant to learn differently. What Gareth Thomas has done should be applauded. In coming out he has told thousands of people that it is ok to be gay, and that being gay doesnt define you. As he said, he is a rugby player first, and a gay man second. Hopefull his actions will inspire others to become honest with themselves and their team mates. The rugby world, and perhaps the world in general, could do with more positive role models like him.

On a personal note, the swelling on my nose has come down quite a lot and my black eyes are starting to look less scary. I need a haircut really badly. I am starting to look like Diana Ross. Think I will book myself in at the salon for tomorrow so that I can look good for the festive parties I will be attending

Other than that I don't think I have anything else to report. so if I dont manage to get on here agin before christmas, I just want to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a fab new year, and I will see you all on the other side.

Ryan

Coming out

I got way too drunk for my own good last night. I ended up getting wasted on a couple of bottles of wine, removing various items of clothes and then dancing and singing to old reggae songs. It wasn't my finest hour, but I had fun anyway. Paid for it this morning though when I woke up and vommed. Bad times. I woke up to 4 very lovely texts from Jay. He was drunk, but it obviously loosened him up a bit because he was being such a sweetheart. I thought he would go all shy and deny them this morning but he was cool about it and said he meant the things he was saying. Bless!

Anyways, there is a point to today's post. I was chatting with a guy yesterday (you should all check out his blog HERE) and I promised him that I would right my coming out story. And so this is it....

I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I was 15 when I cam out to my mother. I had known all my life that I was gay and it was never one of those things I suddenly had to come to terms with, I just always knew and accepted it. I come from a family made up mainly of men. I have 4 older brothers and so I kinda had a lot to live upto in terms of following them into sports and 'man stuff'. My dad skipped out on us when I was 2 and so I never really bothered with him much, and my mum was both parents and my main role model, and we have always been amazingly close. I would say she is like a best friend to me.

Anyways, I probably would have come out when I was about 13 had it not been for the fact I felt I was letting my brothers down. I had had sexual encounters with guys and knew that that was what I was into, but I always kept it as my secret. One night when I was about 14, me and a friend got drunk on a bottle of whiskey we found at her house. I remember for some reason admitting to her that I was gay. She didn't believe me at first, but then I started telling her some stuff about what I had done and she was soon convinced. I remember how free I felt, telling my best friend and having her not give a damn in the slightest. Once I sobered up the following morning though I was mortified and immediately rung her to say it was only meant to be a joke and I couldnt believe she fell for it. She was having none of it though, and my secret was out for good.

Everything was fine for a few months, I used to confide my stories in her, and she always kept them to herself. We used to go around in group, as kids do, of about 15 or 20 of us. We used to hang around the park or whatever, not causing mischief, just being teens. Anyways, this guy started hanging around with us called David. He was a few years older, as camp as tits and a screaming homosexual. I became fascinated with him for being so out there. Every guy I had ever been with was sharing my closet, so to meet and befriend someone so open with their sexuality was refreshing.

One night we were walking home, just David and I, and we were talking about random stuff when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I lied and said no, and he asked me if I wanted to try it. I said yes, probably a little too eagerly, what with my hormones kicking in, and we stood there in the middle of the street making out. I didnt find him attractive. It wasnt a sex thing at all. To ask me now, I have no idea why I kissed him, but I was 15 and horny I guess, so I did. i went home and thought nothing more of it.

Now, most people come out. I think I was dragged out kicking and screaming. A few days after our kiss, David had told everyone. It's one thing keeping a secret from friends, but I wasnt willing to lie, so when questioned (see: Spanish Inquisition) I admitted that his story was true. Some of the guys didnt believe it at first, others thought it was hysterical, but despite the barrage of questions, not a single one of them said anything negative about it. I realised then how great my friends are, and how much I love and value each and every one.



I knew that with so many people knowing, and living in such a small town as I did, that it wouldnt be long until the rumours would get back to my mum, and I knew I would have to tell her. I left it a couple of days, but I thought I owed her the respect to hear it from me and not someone else.

On the day I decided to tell her, things were pretty shitty. I had had a crap day at school, had rowed with my mother the night before, and was generally just nervous as hell. In what was probably the least smart move of my life up to that point, I managed to get myself a flagon of cider and got wasted before going home that evening. I had two of my friends on standby incase things got ugly, and I went home intent that I wouldnt leave again until my mum knew everything. What I had forgotten however, was that my mum was having a dinner party that evening, that I was supposed to be there for. Her, me, and 8 guests. I genuinly had forgotten, but she thought I missed it on purpose because of our arguement the night before.

As soon as I got through the door she knew I was drunk. She gave me that look that only a mother can give and I knew things werent going to go smoothly. She calmly told me to sit down at the table, but then changed her mind and told me to get upstairs. I have never seen her look so embarrassed. I was falling about everywhere and mumbling rubbish to myself. In the end she lost it a bit and started raising her voice. I started storming up the stairs, banging each step as I went. I heard her shout something to me about being grounded and without even registering what was going on, I stood at the top of the stairs, in full view of everyone and screamed

"You just hate me because I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

I barely managed to register her expression before tripping over my own foot and falling down the stairs and passing out drunk against the door. The next thing I remember was being propped against the sofa with my mum staring at me. Everyone had left except for Susan, my mums best friend and I could tell they were waiting for answers. I didnt really know what to say so I started giggling to myself.

From there on out, it all got a bit horrible. My mother gave me the 'I will always love you, but...' speech and I lost it. My mum, the person I was closest to in the whole world, wasnt scooping me in her arms and telling me that everything was going to be alright. We ended up having a blazing arguement and I told her I was leaving. I phoned up my friend and stayed at hers. It was January 11th 2001 and I remember walking through the snow, drunk and crying my eyes out. I cried my eyes out all night.

The following day I went back to my mums and spoke to her soberly. She told me that she wasnt annoyed with me that I was gay, but that I put her in a very awkward situation by telling her in front of everyone else and just expecting her to deal with it, which years later makes more sense than it did then. Things were a bit odd between us for a while. Neither of us knew what to say to the other, and the subject was never raised again until about 3 years later. I spent that whole time thinking that it was because my mother was in denial about it, but when it was brought up again, and I questioned her about it, she told me that it was never an issue for her, so she never felt the need to bring it up for no reason, and sinse I never raised the subject, she thought I didnt want to talk about it. I think sometimes it is easier to just to be open about things and that way wires can't get cross.

I am happy to say that in the end everything worked out brilliantly. Me and my mother are closer than we ever have been and me being gay means nothing more than my eyes being blue. Its a part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.

I suppose the only thing more daunting than telling my mum was having the rugby boys find out. In a very heterosexual sport I thought I would be thrown off the team, but that also went really well. My first day back at training after everyone found out was one of the scariest things of my life. I needn't have worried though. Every single guy on the team was fine about it and when I got to the changing room they had taped the soap to the wall with duct tape and written in shaving foam 'nobody bends over for the soap unless Ryan wins us the game this weekend'. They then continued to wind me up for, well, they still havent stopped.

Late Nights, Paranormal Activity and Smelly Housemates

Well last night was a bit of a washout. I didn't finish training until about 9ish, so by the time I swung by Jay's it was nearing ten and I was fooked! I think he was a bit annoyed with me to be honest because I just kinda flopped myself down on the bed and gave him very little attention. I didnt want the night to end with me catching z's twenty minutes after arriving, so I had a quick shower to relax, which he insisted on watching, and then gave him the attention he was after.

I didn't stay too late, probably until about midnight, but getting out of that bed was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do. The weather has been so rubbish lately, and it was so warm and comfy being wrapped in those sheets and entwined with him, but I knew if I didnt get home and do at least a couple of hours of sleep, then I would be a zombie today. I think I managed about 4 hours before I had to get up and make myself pretty for work.

I don't know why I ever agree to do extra shifts because they are so boring. I mean really boring! I work in a police station and although I love my job, the extra shifts are always the early morning ones when all the action has already happened and I am left dealing with the paperwork. I suppose it is more money at the end of the month though and it was only a 5 hour shift. The lack of sleep must have been affecting me more than I realised because on the drive home from work I was listening to Listen, that Beyonce song from Dreamgirls and I started crying. What the fuck is that all about?

I am trying to psych myself up to go to the gym this afternoon, but I just cant find the energy to go. I need to do something to get out of the house though. I ham having housemate issues. Five of us live together and although I would count 3 of them as some of my best mates, one of them does my head in beyond belief. He is a bitchy little queen with a Britney obsession who refuses to admit he is gay, despite the fact he munches more cock than anyone I know. I wouldnt mind so much if he just didnt speak, but he is a meddler. He is always up in everyones business, listening in to conversations that don't involve him, and sticking his unwelcome two pennies worth in at every opportunity and it winds me up. Add to that the fact that he is a dirty little fucker and it is enough to drive me mad. He is so messy and untidy and he doesnt wash, so he stinks, and despite me frequently telling him to scrub his pits, he still avoids bathing at all costs, and I think it is rank. I am a hygiene freak, and I dont understand how someone can take such little pride in their appearance. He has a day off of work today and I can't bear to be stuck in the house with him, so I need to occupy myself until the others get home.

Tonight I am meant to be going to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema with some friends. It came out over here yesterday, and I have been dying to see it for months. Have any of you seen it? It seems to have been out everywhere else for ages. I love things to do with ghosts and the supernatural so I think I will enjoy this and the trailer looks really good so I have high expectations. I just hope I stay awake long enough to go, because to be honest as much as I want to see it, I am considering cancelling just so I can get an early night and some shut eye.

Well it's time for some lunch now. I'm thinking boiled potatoes, cous cous and chicken in a tomato and chilli sauce. I love cooking, but lately I have been eating crappy ready meals because I have been so busy. Need to nip that in the bud.

No Rest For The Wicked

Busy day today. Spent 2 hours at the gym this afternoon, but decided to walk too and form the gym, so it was an extra hour each way. I won't be doing that again in a hurry!!! I took a friend of mine with me today as well. She had never been to the gym so I thought I would introduce her. I usually like to work out on my own because I don't like the distractions, but she really enjoyed herself and says she will start going regularly which is nice to hear.

Finished at the gym and ruined it all by tucking into a bacon butty. It's all I have eaten today thought, so that is my justification. Don't judge me. Got to get ready for rugby practice now. It doesnt start until half 6, so will drive down to save a bit of time, then off over to Jay's for a couple of hours. I was planning on staying the night but the boss has asked me to go into work tomorrow at 6, which will mean being up at 4.30, and I dont want to wake him when he has work at 9. Have arranged to stay over his at the weekend instead though.

To be honest I could quite happily cancel everything for the evening, have a soak in the bath and then go to bed. Got a headache that I can't shake and I've worked some random shifts lately so my sleep pattern is shot to shit. Better to be busy than sat on my arse doing nothing I suppose.

Anyways, just a quick post for now. I realise it is pretty boring, but hey, indulge me with your commments anyways.

Peace out :D