Why Weight?

I like to think that I follow my own rules and conventions. Unlike most of my friends, both gay and straight, I dont strive to conform to fit in any boxes set by society. I find it hard enough being comfortable in my own skin, without the added pressure of living up to everyone else's expectations as well. Lately however, I have been feeling an enormous pressure to lose weight. In the gay community (at least where I live), there has been an 'Attack Of The Clones' where everyone seems to look 15 years old with a barely there waistline and a perma tan.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means overweight. I have a 34" waist, I am 6ft5" tall and I weigh a little under 15st. I play rugby and I am at the gym at least 3 times a week. I have a pretty healthy lifestyle and in general I dont look too shabby. I have an individual style and I make the most of what I have, but the more I go out and see these 'clones', the more I feel like the odd one out, and if truth be told, it is starting to feel uncomfortable.

It is an age old tale that within the gay community you have a limited shelf life. So many people feel like they are over it or past it by the time they hit 25, and the ones who don't seem to be doing everything in their power to look like 18 year olds again. When I have spoken to friends about this, they have told me that it is a minority, but after a little digging it seems that male anorexia is predominantly made up of gay men, and it is also on the rise. Is it really worth risking your health to fit in and look the part?

The fault, I believe, lies within the gay community itself. While they sit and argue that they should not be put in boxes by the community at large, they are all too quick to label and catagorise themselves. Is it ok to just be gay anymore? Do we have to be a twink, a scally a bear or a queen? And if we do, where do I fit in? I am too old and not skinny enough to be a twink. Not camp enough to be a queen. Too well behaved and dressed to be a scally, and not big and hairy enough to be a bear. Is there a place for me if I refuse to put myself in a box?

The problem is, whether we like it or not, we all conform in the end. We don't have to like it, but it happens anyway. I started this post thinking about how I needed to lose weight, not for health reasons, but so that I could feel more like I was part of the crowd, and the more I write, the more I realise that if I become more like everyone else, I become less like myself. The world strives on diversity. I have never been short of attention from men, and by looking like everyone else, what will I have that is different to interest anyone anymore?

Is suppose in the end it all comes down to being comfortable with yourself. If you strive to look a certain way to make yourself feel better then you should go for it as long as it doesnt affect your health. But if you are trying to look a certain way just to fit in, maybe you need to sit back and think about whether or not it will make you happy. At the end of the day, we all want people to like us for who we are, not how we look. My mum always told me you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you, and I think shes right. Maybe I will give the gym a miss today.