Sunday, 6 December 2009

Bringing Up Baby

Hello there everyone. Had a quiet few days on the blogging front. So will give you all a little update of my weekend before getting onto the big topic of today.
Friday started with me playing mediator between a group of my friends who all seemed to have a mass falling out. It started over a game of rugby, with two of them arguing, which then escelated into people taking sides, insults being thrown and now about 8 of them aint talking to each other. All of them were texting and ringing me to try and sort things out and I tried, but then I ended up falling into an arguement with someone aswell. It was all very childish so I have left them all to sort it out for themselves.

Friday evening I went over to Jay's. I met him off the train when he finished work and we went back to his, where I stayed until this morning. I wont fill you in on all the gory details, but it was a brilliant weekend. Its the first time I guess that we have managed to spend a considerable amount of time together in one go without one of us having to run off to work or something. He is really starting to open up a lot more which is good, and he even woke me up to breakfast in bed which was pretty awesome. I could get used to that. He didnt want me to leave today, and I didnt want to either, but I had stuff I had to sort out at home, or I would still be there with him now. I am meeting him tomorrow once I finish work and we are just going to have some chill out time together. Dont you just love it at the start of a new relationship when everything is new and exciting?

So, on to the main point of todays blog. I have been meaning to write about this for a few days, but have been thinking things over in my head. One of my best friends in the whole wide world is Shane (that girl with a guys name I spoke about before). Well Shane is a lesbian and has been with her girlfriend for about 4 years. I dont particularly like her, but Shane does, so you kinda just have to play nice. Anyways, they have decided that they want a baby. And they want me to donate some of the ingredients.

I have always said to Shane that I would do it. I guess though that a part of me never thought she would ask, and even if she did, I figured I would be mid thirties before she called me up for service and now I dont know what to do. On one hand, I would do anything for her. She has always been there for me and I know that she has asked me because she loves and trusts me above all others. But on the other hand, I am only 24 and I dont really know if it is a responsibility that I want. She has been very specific about the fact that they wouldnt want anything from me in terms of parentage or money, but she is my best friend, and I dont know if I am ready to be in a position where I see her everyday with what is, I suppose, my kid. How do you detatch yourself from those feelings, and are you even meant too?

If I am honest, I dont think I really want to do it. At least not right now. But I think that if I say no to her then I might be fucking up our friendship. On the surface I know she would say she understands and it is ok, but deep down I know it would be devestating for her because I dont think there is anyone else she could really ask. I just dont know what to do, and I have been thinking it over for a few days, but still have no clue. Its my sperm, but without the sex would it technically be my kid? I always figured that if the time came when she asked, then I would be older, and more willing to have some sort of an active role, but I dont want to have a kid and if I did it now it would seem like nothing more than sort of business transaction or something. What I dont want is to be in a position where I cant shake off the feelings that I have a kid, and then have to watch as I have nothing more to do with it. She has put no pressure on me to say yes, but know that it is kind of expected of me. How do I tell her that I dont want to do it?



  1. Wow ...Ryan, Talk about mind fuck ... ok ok ... coming from a person that has kids. By the first off glad you were busy, I did miss you. But would rather miss you then you be here ... since it was Jay lol ... Anyway back to Shane. Knowing what I read about you. You would never be able to turn that part of you off, if you had a kid walking around. It never goes away , and some people can't walk away no matter what. But that is a awesome thing. Many questions would have to be answer before I would do it. Because no matter what the child has to be taken care of and love, not worried about the love. Don't know Shane, I mean is she stable finance wise. I do know a child changes you when they come. But I know it is awesome gift to do. But I couldn't do it if I saw the child everyday in person . Could do it if I just saw them every now and then ... But if something ever happen I couldn't stand by at all Lee in control come with me kid ( fuck them) ... I would do it in a heartbeat if I was ask. But big time agreements would have to be met ... Hang in there. Damn glad you were kidnap lol. Jack was getting the search party ready .. lmao ...Well tell you were just being mind fuck .. no big deal Jack ............ Love Lee

  2. Wow! I'm really glad that I've never had to deal with anything like this. I cant see any simple answer to your dilemma but one thing I do believe is that you've really got to think about yourself in all of this. Quite simply if you donate then the kid is part of you, forever and no agreement or contract can change that. I hope you can find your way through the maze and reach the answer that's right for you. If you do say no then I can only hope the friendship doesn't suffer. Good luck.

    Mac - Old Midhurstian

  3. at least the hippos at Chester zoo didn`t kidnap you .anyway glad weekend went well. your friend Shane its a hell of a thing to ask of you having a little kid in the world raised by two gay women and dads also gay i know it happens in life but for it to be you . am sure shane will understand the posstion your in also
    what would your mum and family think. DRU

  4. Wow that is tough one Ryan O! Did miss your blog lately ;). I'm without words. I've typed and retyped my comment over and over and I just cant find the words of advice. Sorry. Hang in there.

  5. That's kind of a big deal. "I'm not ready" should be a fair answer.

  6. It would be yours, don't pretend otherwise, or let her convince you any different. It would be a real life human being with feeling.
    You are not baking a cake or donating and ingredients for someone to make a robot.
    Forget your feelings and hers (or theirs) think of the child.
    You already mentioned your not keen on her partner and you think you are too young.
    Forget it. YOU! should only have a child if YOU! want one. Then when you do make sure you are part of it's life forever.
    Sorry if that sounds a bit to the point but i have adopted friends to hetero mums and dads and the fact that one parent leaves them or has nothing to do with them always at some point warps their minds.

  7. Ry... That's really a tough one. I don't know what I would have done if I was in the same spot.
    Unfortunately, it is really up to you. No one can tell you what to do.

    However, I would sugget you talk to your closest friends and people that know Shane as well for advice. You not liking Shane's other half is a major con. Since she will be the mother of your child as well. You knowing and loving Shane is a major pro.
    How mature and ready do you think Shane is? How happy do you think this child will be?

  8. i agree with Just to an extent. :) and i am glad that u guys have been going for a month! yay! :) well, i think sooner or later, the kid would want to find out who his/her real dad is and if that day comes - are you ready to face it? i think that telling Shane honestly is the best way to go - personally, I'd rather wreck a friendship than my own life, although with true friends, I know they're never wrecked for long.

  9. Wow, lots of responses to this one. Cheers guys. I know that it is something that I dont want to do, I just dont know how to say it to Shane. I dont think it would ever be a secret about who I was to the child, but that to me is worse. I am not the type who could just close off my feelings, and I would have to be a 'father', I just dont want to be right now, and thats why its not a good idea for me. If i could do it and then dissassociate myself from it all then it would be easier, but that isnt my nature.

    We are metting tomorrow night to discuss it, so I have until then to prepare my speech. Cheers all.