Five Gold Rings

Merry Christmas everyone.

I know it is a couple of days early, but I think this may be my last blog until after christmas. I am going to my mums for christmas, and sinse my laptop is broken and I am using someone else's, and I dont get my new one until christmas day, there will probably be a few days silence from me. I'm sure everyone will be too busy to keep up anyways over the next week. I seriously can't wait for Christmas now. Plenty to talk about though in the meantime.

I will start off talking about Jay. Friday night was our last night together now for a few weeks. He took me out for a meal in town and then we went for a few drinks, before going to the midnight screening of Avatar. It was a really good film and we got to watch it in 3D, but there was a fuck up with the screen (it wasnt shown on the right one) so we were given free tickets to go and see something else whenever we want, so it wasnt so bad. It was 3am by the time we were getting out of the cinema though and the snow was coming down heavy so I couldnt wait to get home to bed.

We didnt manage to stay awake for too long on friday night, but we got up early and spent all of yesterday together. It was really nice just chilling out and doing nothing. We have gotten to a really comfortable place where there is no awkward silences or need to keep each other entertained. We just sit there enjoying each others company and its really nice. I am genuinly happier than I have been in long time. When it came time to leave it was so hard. Knowing that I wont be seeing him again for 3 weeks (with the exception of a few hours tomorrow) is horrible. He has said that he is thinking of coming back a few days early from his trip away so that he can see me, which although is awesome and I totally want him too, I have told him that he doesnt have to and I dont expect it. I am secretly hoping that he does though.

Today will be spent mostly packing for my time away. I am so unorganised it is unreal. My mum will be getting a lot of laundry to do at this rate. I can't wait to see all my old friends and family. It's been so long since I have been home for a visit, so although I hate that I am leaving Jay, I am also excited about seeing everyone else, so it is balancing out I guess. The snow is coming down thick and fast. It looks set to be a white christmas this year which is awesome. My first one sinse 1988. We have a couple of inches where I am now so I have to hope it lasts for the next few days until christmas so I can go and play with my neices and nephews. They are my cover story for wanting to build a snowman and have snowball fights.

In the news this week, Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh Rugby captain has come out as gay. The papers are making quite a big deal out of it, and so they should. As far as I have read, nobody has criticized his decision, but many have knocked the papers for reporting it like it is a big deal. The fact is, it is a big deal. I have met Gareth many times, through rugby and through the fact that he and my mum live close to each other and we used to drink in the same pub. That's not to say we are friends, but the odd bit of chit chat has occured, and I have to say that he is a very nice and charming man. The respect he gets from everyone is overwhelming and I dont think that will change now that he has revealed himself to be gay. The reason I think it is good that this news has been so widely reported, is that Gareth is the first openly gay Rugby Union player, to still be in the game. This is a positive move. I personally know of several players who are gay, both in the big leagues and in the smaller town clubs. People who will never come out because of the detrimental image that being gay brings to you in the eyes of straight, sporty stereotypes. I have spoken before about how I had to come out to my team mates, and it was a genuinly positive experience, but that isnt always going to be the case for people.

For someone of such high regard within the game, and a player who is so well known all over the world, I have a lot of respect for him to admit that he is gay. Opinions from fans will no doubt be divided, but one thing that won't change is the fact that he is an amazingly talented player, and a well liked and respected man. With a bit of luck this revelation will open people's eyes to the fact that not all gay people are airy fairy queens who hate sports and act like women. A stereotype all too common amongst people to ignorant to learn differently. What Gareth Thomas has done should be applauded. In coming out he has told thousands of people that it is ok to be gay, and that being gay doesnt define you. As he said, he is a rugby player first, and a gay man second. Hopefull his actions will inspire others to become honest with themselves and their team mates. The rugby world, and perhaps the world in general, could do with more positive role models like him.

On a personal note, the swelling on my nose has come down quite a lot and my black eyes are starting to look less scary. I need a haircut really badly. I am starting to look like Diana Ross. Think I will book myself in at the salon for tomorrow so that I can look good for the festive parties I will be attending

Other than that I don't think I have anything else to report. so if I dont manage to get on here agin before christmas, I just want to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a fab new year, and I will see you all on the other side.

Ryan

R 'n' R

Hey guys,

Been a bit quiet on the blogging front lately. Sorry about that. I have been resting my arm mainly, but have been spending a lot of time with Jay as well and trying to get myself sorted for my trip over Christmas.

I'm still pretty bruised up at the moment, but I don't feel as sore which is good. My black eyes seem to be getting worse before they get better, but the cuts and stuff are healing nicely. People keep asking me if they can sign the plaster on my wrist. It makes me laugh, I didnt think people did that outside of highschool. I feel like a nob anyways because it's illuminous yellow plaster, so I figure a few autographs can't hurt.

I spent most of the weekend with Jay. As I mentioned on saturday, he cancelled his trip away to look after me, so I stayed there friday night, then went back staurday night and stayed over again. That one was a last minute decision. I was going to just have a quiet night in but he asked me to go back over, and I was more than happy to do that. I came home Sunday night and I havent seen him sinse. Sad times. I do miss him when I dont see him, but I dont want to see too much of him incase we end up getting on each others nerves. Besides, I like that build up of not seeing him for a while and then how excited I am when I get to finally see him again. I am meeting him tonight from work and I can't wait. We are heading for a meal in the Quays, and then off to see a film. Its becoming a bit of a Wednesday tradition now, and I like that.

We have booked tickets to see Avatar when it comes out on Friday. We have booked a midnight viewing and from what I understand, it is quite a long film, so hopefully I will stay awake. I will be staying with him for the night and then that is the last time I will be seeing him until the new year. That's going to be a hard one, but between the phone and internet I guess I will at least be able to speak to him loads.

I have decided to move out of my house. I realise I am starting to hate the people I live with, and I dont want to ruin any friendships (except smelly Gav, who I couldnt give a shit about), so I have decided that I am going to just get my own place. There are some decent one bedroom apartments in the city centre for reasonable price so I figure now is as good a time as any to go it alone. I figure its the only way that I can save any sort of friendship with my housemates because I am at boiling point with them lately. Even with a broken wrist I am still expected to clean up after them and it is driving me insane.

I hate being boring, but there isnt much more to fill you in on. Ive just been mainly resting up and getting pampered by Jay. Ooh, Glee premiered in the UK last night. I have been waiting to watch this for months and have resisted all urge to check online, and it finally came on yesterday. I have to say, based on episode one, I am hooked. It was brilliant. It's totally not the normal type of show I would watch. I like Scifi and action or comedy, but this show was brilliant. I was even singing along. The humour in it is great and the cast is brilliant. If you haven't watched it, then you must. It cheered me up no end last night.

On that note guys, I am going to head off and attempt to make a bacon sandwhich. I havent really been cooking for myself since I did my hand in, but nobody is here today and I am starving so I have to try for myself with the dodgy hand. I should just say though that usually I am a fantastic cook. Anyhoo, if you dont hear from me by the weekend, assume I burned the house down and died smelling of smoky bacon.

Ry

Love Man

Wow, what a weekend so far.

As I said a couple of posts back, Jay has got me hooked onto all these new shows. Well because he was going away this weekend, and he knew I would be stuck in the house because of my injuries, he asked me to go meet him from work so that he could give me another boxset to see me through the weekend. I was only going to be seeing him for about 30 minutes but I figured it was worth it sinse I wouldnt be seeing him for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!!! :p

Anyways, so I drag myself through town to go meet him and when he got off the train he told me that he had cancelled his weekend away so that he could look after me. How nice is that? If I wasnt likely to break something else, I would have jumped on him right there on the platform. So he took me back to his, propped me up with pillows, cooked me dinner and just looked after me all night. I may as well have been in a full body cast, the fuss he was making. It was so lovely. We spent the night talking and giggling and just enjoying each other. It was perfect. He is an absolute angel.

Things seemed to progress further between us last night. In a good way. A really good way. It's something that is so hard to put into words, but it felt like there were times when even though we werent speaking, it felt like a million words were being spoken between us. A realisation of feelings or something. Or affirmation. Thats a good word to sum it up I think. The evening was magical. I dont care how cheesy it sounds. If he carries on like this then I'm gunna put a ring on it. So to speak.

I stayed until about 5pm today and then I had to head home. Came into a war ground. Everyone arguing over Smelly Gav. I didnt stick around because I was in such a happy mood, so I went to run a bath and let them argue it out downstairs. I will find out what it was all over late on. Maybe add my few pennies in. For now though, I am in too good a mood to be mediating arguements.

Tomorrow I will be going back over to his for the afternoon. He says he has a few things planned and a big surprise for me. I love this feeling. The one where you just can't get enough. I know this has been a particularly slushy post, but hey ho. There is enough bad stuff going on out there, so I am happy to share my happiness with you all.

Talking of 'you all' I just want to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has been wishing me well, and to everyone who keeps coming back and reading my randomness, and leaving their comments. Its nice to know that people are enjoying it. I was going to do some individual thanks yous on the comments section earlier, but my blgger was acting like a lesbian and being difficult, so for some reason nothing was posting (and if I write all this and it doesnt post I will be having a BF)

Also, I decided earlier that I would choose a title based on the lyrics of whatever was playing on my iPod when I finished the post. Quite apropriately, its Love Man by Otis Reading, so thats what I am sticking at the top. Enjoy your weekend guys.

Ry

Broken Bones

Hello all. It's been a few days. A very eventful few days. I have a broken wrist and nose. Bad times. A guy went crazy with a bat outside the station and I took it to the wrist and an elbow to the face so I have been recovering for a few days with a little bit of extra TLC from Jay, hence the lack of bloggage. The plus side is I have extra leave, so an extra 8 days of holiday. Can't really complain about that I guess. It does mean that I will be out of rugby for the next two months though which really pisses me off. Maybe the sympathy vote will get me some extra christmas presents to cheer me up.

People keep looking at me in the street like I am a thug. My nose is plastered across my face and I have two black eyes. I probably shouldnt have gone out in my hoody I guess. I'm kinda proud of my war wounds though, which is totally stupid. The doctor who saw to me was gorgeous!! Well worth the pain.

Jay took me to the cinema this week. I let him choose the film and he went for Law Abiding Citizen. It wouldnt have been my choice and I thought it was going to be shit, but it was actually pretty good. Plus, Gerard Butler in his birthday suit is not altogether offputting.

Jay is going away tonight until monday. I'm already missing him. I am going to see him for a little bit this evening before he goes though which is something to look forward to I guess. We have an action packed week set for next week because after next weekend I am going home and he goes away the night before I come back, so we wont see each other for nearly three weeks. That's going to be horrible.

Anyways, I am going to keep this short because it is a ballache to type, and nothing else has really happened this week and there aint no point talking for the sake of it. Hope you all have had a good week. Drop by and say hi.

Ry.

Oh, forgot to add. I spoke to Shane about the whole baby thing. It didnt start off too well, but I explained my reservations and how now wasn't a good time for me. She was really pissed off at first, but the more I spoke, the more I think she realised that it was a big thing to ask of me. I tried to turn it slightly to get her to think about whether it was even the right time for her and I think it got her thinking about her situation. Her girlfriend is a nobhead for one, which I pointed out to her, and mainly, that a baby is for life, not just for christmas. Or at least something to that effect. So for the time being all plans are on hold and things are fine between us. Gotta be pleased with that result.

Peace out.

Ry

Pain In The Neck

Awwwww I'm in pain! Had a brutal morning at work. We had some drunken thug come in causing a scene and in his struggle to do a runner, I ended up pinned underneath him. He wasnt particularly heavy, but on the way down I caught the back of my neck on the filing cabinet and now it keeps clicking. The AO was trying to get me to wear a neck brace which was quite funny. I don't think it is that bad, just a bit sore and I was complaining that it wouldnt go with the uniform. Its all about the accessories after all.

Had a lovely evening with Jay last night. I met him from work and he dragged me around town looking for ways to spend his money. I wouldnt have minded but he didnt end up buying anything and I was itching to splash out, but I have put the Visa into retirement until after christmas. We went back to his and he made me dinner and we just chilled out watching some tv and whatnot. I dont know why I dont just say we had sex. I must be starting to become a prude. I keep substituting the word sex for 'whatnot'. There I go on another tangent....

Jay keeps asking to come over to mine but I am putting it off. He knows why. Its Smelly Gav. Jay says he doesnt mind but I dont want him to come over and have to sit in the stink if Gav happens to be home. Gav has to go away to work for a few days next week so maybe Jay can come over then. I've finally taken a stand against the mess as well. I did a massive clean on Sunday, top to bottom. Everything was sparkly and fresh. Once it was all done I told everyone that it was the last time I was going to do it, and so now I am just sitting down and watching the mess pile up. Lets see how long it takes before they get sick of it.

Two weeks today I am going away. I am going back to my mums over christams. I haven't been home for ten months so I can't wait to catch up with everyone. The longer I leave it, the more drinks people buy me when we go out, so I should have a few cheap nights this christmas. I talk about drinking a lot. I actually hardly do it, I just seem to have lots of drink fuelled stories. I am going to be hone for 8 days, which isnt very long, but all I can get off from work. It sucks though because the day before I get back, Jay is going away and so I wont be seeing him until the 3rd of January. We have lots of things planned in the run up to me going to my mums though, so it's not all bad.

I dont know what to do with myself today. I was going to go to the gym, but I dont have the drive to get up and go. I've been dead lazy the last few days. Think I've only been 4 times in the last week or so. I have to try and go twice as much in the next few weeks so that I can pig out when I go home because my mother always accuses me of not eating properly and tries fattening me up like a prize pig, so I figure if I put the work in before I go home, it wont have such a bad effect on my waistline. I sound really pretentious, but I spent a fortune on new jeans last week and I am determined to be able to still fit in them in the new year.

Tonight I am meeting up with Shane to tell her my feelings on the whole baby thing. I spent ages trying to work out how I can get out of it, then it dawned on me that all I can do is be honest about my reservations and hope that she is ok with it. In the 20 years we have known each other, we have only ever had one real arguement, so I think we are solid enough that things wont get out of hand. I will update everyone on the progress of that one anyways.

I am going out this weekend and I can't wait. I havent been out for the last three Saturdays and it has been doing my head in. Well, with the exception of last Saturday, which I spent in bed with Jay. that was pretty awesome. But yea, this Saturday is my friend Wez's birthday. Its his 22nd. Well it isnt, it's his 27th, but he stopped at 22 and so we keep having 22nd birthdays for him. I dont know why he chose 22. Its a bit random, but hey ho. Some people are just a little bit odd I guess.

Ry

Bringing Up Baby

Hello there everyone. Had a quiet few days on the blogging front. So will give you all a little update of my weekend before getting onto the big topic of today.

Friday started with me playing mediator between a group of my friends who all seemed to have a mass falling out. It started over a game of rugby, with two of them arguing, which then escelated into people taking sides, insults being thrown and now about 8 of them aint talking to each other. All of them were texting and ringing me to try and sort things out and I tried, but then I ended up falling into an arguement with someone aswell. It was all very childish so I have left them all to sort it out for themselves.

Friday evening I went over to Jay's. I met him off the train when he finished work and we went back to his, where I stayed until this morning. I wont fill you in on all the gory details, but it was a brilliant weekend. Its the first time I guess that we have managed to spend a considerable amount of time together in one go without one of us having to run off to work or something. He is really starting to open up a lot more which is good, and he even woke me up to breakfast in bed which was pretty awesome. I could get used to that. He didnt want me to leave today, and I didnt want to either, but I had stuff I had to sort out at home, or I would still be there with him now. I am meeting him tomorrow once I finish work and we are just going to have some chill out time together. Dont you just love it at the start of a new relationship when everything is new and exciting?

So, on to the main point of todays blog. I have been meaning to write about this for a few days, but have been thinking things over in my head. One of my best friends in the whole wide world is Shane (that girl with a guys name I spoke about before). Well Shane is a lesbian and has been with her girlfriend for about 4 years. I dont particularly like her, but Shane does, so you kinda just have to play nice. Anyways, they have decided that they want a baby. And they want me to donate some of the ingredients.

I have always said to Shane that I would do it. I guess though that a part of me never thought she would ask, and even if she did, I figured I would be mid thirties before she called me up for service and now I dont know what to do. On one hand, I would do anything for her. She has always been there for me and I know that she has asked me because she loves and trusts me above all others. But on the other hand, I am only 24 and I dont really know if it is a responsibility that I want. She has been very specific about the fact that they wouldnt want anything from me in terms of parentage or money, but she is my best friend, and I dont know if I am ready to be in a position where I see her everyday with what is, I suppose, my kid. How do you detatch yourself from those feelings, and are you even meant too?

If I am honest, I dont think I really want to do it. At least not right now. But I think that if I say no to her then I might be fucking up our friendship. On the surface I know she would say she understands and it is ok, but deep down I know it would be devestating for her because I dont think there is anyone else she could really ask. I just dont know what to do, and I have been thinking it over for a few days, but still have no clue. Its my sperm, but without the sex would it technically be my kid? I always figured that if the time came when she asked, then I would be older, and more willing to have some sort of an active role, but I dont want to have a kid and if I did it now it would seem like nothing more than sort of business transaction or something. What I dont want is to be in a position where I cant shake off the feelings that I have a kid, and then have to watch as I have nothing more to do with it. She has put no pressure on me to say yes, but know that it is kind of expected of me. How do I tell her that I dont want to do it?

Ry

Dating Disasters - 2

As much as I would like to say that all my dating disasters are caused by the other guy being an oddball or doing something stupid, but believe it or not, I know its hard, but sometimes I am the nightmare date and just to be fair to all the men I moan about, I am going to share one of those times.

When I was about 19 I lived in Ibiza for one summer, working as a PR person (hanging outside bars trying to get people to come in etc). I loved it. The best summer of my life so far without a doubt. Two bars down from where I worked there was a guy called Guy and working in between us was a girl called Sarah. For the first two months, Sarah was always trying to play matchmaker between us. She used to tell me how into me he was, but without him coming over and speaking to me himself in that context, I wasnt going to make any sort of move. I think a part of me was scared. He was American, gorgeous and if I am honest, I thought Sarah was winding me up about how much he liked me.

After about 2 months he finally came over and asked me out. We both had the same day off later that week and it was arranged. I think he was about 26 at the time and he was so hot that I just couldnt believe he was into me. I think the nerves got the better of me because I ended up drinking the better half of a bottle of vodka before our date. By the time we hit the bars I was already pretty wasted, and I didnt stop. I wanted to, but I just couldnt stop drinking. In fairness though, he was hitting a few back as well. We had a great night of dancing and flirting and we shared a few kisses too and at the end of the night he came back to my apartment.

It all started out so well. We got through the door and we were totally into each other, tearing each others clothes off before finally settling on the sofa. Things were progressing quickly and I ended up on the floor while he sat on the couch and I gave him head. I was pretty drunk so taking my time but the more he got into it, the more he started pushing down on my head. I was having a hard time concentrating because everytime I closed my eyes I was getting the whirlies. Anyways, he kept pushing down on my head and as hard as I tried, I couldnt stop gagging.

I tried to pull myself away, but he was having none of it and without being able to stop myself, I was sick all over his dick. (Oh my god I dont know why I am admitting this, I am so embarrassed) It was everywhere, all over my sofa, on his dick and balls and legs, everywhere. I knew there and then that the night had come to an end and it was probably for the best. Guy just got up, pulled his shorts up over the sick (ew!), and left, and for some reason I never heard from him again. Sarah told me that he had moved to another bar down the road out of embarrassment. I think I would have died on the spot if I had seen him again anyway.

Off The Shelf

Yesterday was perfect. It was just a brilliant day from start to finish. I woke up at about 10am which is pretty late for me, then I got my shiz together and went to the gym. I was there for probably 2 hours, and then came home, got ready and headed into town. I know, boring so far.

So I went to meet up with Jay. We had arranged a few days earlier to go to the cinema. I met him from the train after work and then off we went to watch Paranormal Activity. Finally! It's actually a really good film. The pace is a bit slow at times and I didnt find it at all scary, but I think the atmosphere was a bit wrong and I couldnt get into it properly for the scares. The cinema was packed out. People were sitting on the stairs because they couldnt get chairs together. We had a group of french people behind us who were talking in french all the way through it. I think the biggest fright they had during the film was when I turned around and told them in french to shut the fuck up. We also had two girs to the side of us who were texting and talking the whole time, so as much as I enjoyed the film, I couldnt really get fully into it because of the noise everyone was making. I was there with Jay thoguh and we were cuddled up and holding hands, so I didn't care too much.

When we got out of the cinema we went for a beer. It was a lot earlier than we thought so we had a bit of time to hang around before he had to leave. Anyways, I go off point too much. So we went for a beer. We sat in the bar talking and chatting and he kept holding my hand. I didnt mind obviously, but he isnt usually so tactile when we are out. Something was different anyway, I had noticed that sinse he had gotten off the train. He was more touchy feely, he was full of compliments and just generally more effectionate and talkative. As people who read this regularly will know, as I have said before, Jay doesnt really do a lot of talking or emoting and whatnot and I usually end up getting frustrated with his apathy. Anyways, off I go again. So we didnt stay at the bar for too long. We were being leered at by some drunken pervert who came over to us while we were kissing, stood right next to us going 'mmmmmm' and just watching us like a wierdo.

So we drank up and left for him to get on the tram back to his place. We stopped off at the chip shop on the way, and because we had a bit of time to spare we went and sat on a bench overlooking the city. We had a little chat and he started mumbling something and I was trying to work out what he was saying and then he finally just looked at me and said 'Do you want to be my boyfriend?' I felt like I was being proposed to or something and I started laughing, but I of course said yes and then we kissed. I dont care how cheesy it sounds, it was the perfect moment. Just the two of us, sharing a bag of chips and sitting arm in arm on a bench overlooking the hustle of the city. Unfortunately though, he had to leave soon after, but I smiled all the way home. I think it meant even more because I know how hard it is for him to come out and say something like that, and so for him to actually ask me out, instead of just hoping I would get the hint that we were more than just dating is a big thing. I just wish I didnt have to wait until tomorrow to see him again. At least we have the weekend together though.

Ry

Bring On The Snow

Evening merry gentlemen.

December is upon us and it is now officially (for me, anyway) ok to start looking forward to Christmas. I have been watching people putting up decorations on their houses today and it has really got me in the festive mood. 24 days left until Santa unloads his sack for me :P





I was having man issues last night. Or at least, I think I may have been. Text messaging should be banned. I always try to not read anything into a text because words can be read in a million ways, but a text from Jay last night in what was probably an innocent or even jokey manner, came accross as not so nice, and then I spent the whole night stewing over what was meant by it. I tried texting back and asking him to explain, but then things were getting confusing because neither of us were understanding what the other was on about. I rang him this morning and everything got cleared up, but that feeling of unease last night was horrible. Sorted now though, so its all good.

As a little aside, it is taking me ages to write this because Sleeping With The Enemy has just come on cable and I haven't seen it for years and it's reshocking me all over again.

My nomination for arsehole of the week goes to Rupert Everett who today has said that gay actors should stay in the closet because they can never be successful otherwise. I haven't tried to 'break America' as it were, but I just always put his limited success down to the fact that he isn't actually a very good actor as apposed to the fact he was gay. Maybe it's an attitude like his that makes it harder for gay actors to be seen as leading men. When an openly gay actor tells others they should stay in the closet, what does that say to all the studios and directors out there?

A little update on my friend Emma. Me and Shane tried to talk to her but she was having none of it. For a while she seemed a little hesitant in her response though, so we at least think she has taken it on board. She didnt say so outright, but I could tell she was pissed off with us. She tried saying that we must have misinterpreted what we saw and came up with a 100 other excuses. I guess the only person who can make her see sense is herself. I will be there when it all falls apart though.

My smelly housemate decided to get a bus into town today instead of driving, then came home and moaned about the 'state of the people' who take public transport, and how the person next to him was really smelly. I'm starting to think that he either thinks I am joking when I tell him he reeks, or he is just outright fucking stupid.




I just want to take a second to give a shout out to all my new followers and readers, and everyone who has made comments on my posts. It's great to come on and read them and I look forward to more. Hope everyone has a great day, wherever you are in the world.

Ry


Just to add, that little picture above is a pressie for all my followers to help keep you warm on these winter nights. Or just to gawp at, whatever suits you :D

Dating Disasters - 1

OK so I said yesterday that I would start talking about some of my dating disasters and so here is the first. I've been in quite a few awkward situations with guys, and rather than let it get me down like some people do, I usually see the funny side and move on, so with a bit of luck these will make you chuckle until milk runs out of your nose, and it would be great to hear some of yours too.

Ok so this story is short because I didnt stay around for too long, but here goes. About 2 years ago I was out with a friend in a bar and I got chatting to this guy called Russell. He seemed nice enough. He looked a bit unkempt, but in a hot way rather than a scruffy way. He was a student I think, and he seemed to have the attitude of a bit of a tree hugger. Anyways, we arranged to go out later in the week, and exchanged numbers.

A few days later on the 'date' we met outside a bar and then had a couple of drinks. Things seemed to be going well and he asked if I wanted to go and get some food somewhere. We were near china Town so I thought we would end up going there or to some of the nicer places nearby, but as we walked he was telling me about all these different allergies he suffered from and how he can only eat certain foods, and we ended up in McDonalds. To say I was pissed off is an understatement. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against the place, but when your dressed to impress and out with someone on a date, its not the place to be seen.

Despite his choice of eatery, the night wasnt so bad and I invited him back to mine. we had a few drinks and then went into the bedroom. Things were a bit awkward at first. He undressed me, but was really reluctant to take his own clothes off. After about half an hour I was close to giving up and wanted to ask him to leave, but then he finally got naked and got in bed and things seemed to be back on course.

We had to share a single bed and it wasnt so comfortable, but he was kinda lying on top of me. He started to nuzzle his head into my neck and I thought he was going to kiss it, but then, out of fucking nowhere, he starts purring. FUCKING PURRING!!! I mean full on, from the diaphragm, purring. In the 30 seconds it took me to work out what the hell was going on, he startes nuzzling into my neck again, licking his hand like a cat and griding his dick against my leg.

I asked him what the fuck he was doing, and he just looked at me, still purring, and asked me if I would call him Kitten!!!??! "Kitten?", I questioned, and as I did, he let out a big sigh, pushed himself against me one more time and then shot a load onto my leg!! My reaction was a mix of shock and disgust and it took me less than 5 minutes to have him dressed and out of my flat. I never saw or heard from him again, thank god!

Monday Madness

Afternoon everyone, or morning, or evening depending on where you are. Another eventful day today. I worked 5am until 10am and then had time to come home for a shower and had to go off into town. On the last Monday of every month I do some volunteer work at an organisation for gay teens who are having difficulties, and just sit and chat with them for a couple of hours. It's usually pretty rewarding helping them to come out of their shells, but some of them have had a really horrific time.

Most of them have had difficulty coming out and so have run away, or just need someone to talk to. Today I was with a guy called Ste, who I have been speaking with for a little while. He has had a real shitty time lately. He came out to his parents about 2 months ago. He is only 16 and whan he told his parents, his stepdad attacked him and slashed his arm with a knife, so he spent the last 6 or 7 weeks in foster accomodation. He seems to be picking himself up though which is good. He didnt stay very long today, he just wanted to tell me that he had gotten himself an apprenticeship as a carpenter and was moving into a flat with his sister in a few weeks. It's so nice to hear things like that. He is determined not to let things get him down. For such a young guy, his head is completely screwed on. Good for him.

I am having a couple of hours to chill this afternoon, then this evening I will be braving the cold and the great unwashed to go and start my christmas shopping. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! It does my head in though that every year it seems to start a bit earlier. Some of the shops have had xmas songs and decorations up sinse mid september. It does my head in to see it, because by the time it actually comes along I am sick of it. I am going away for christmas this year though, so I need to start my shopping a bit earlier. I tired online shopping last year but half of it didnt turn up until January, so I wont risk it again this year.

Still having issues with the smelly flatmate. I came home last night and there was a dead funny smell and I couldnt find where it was coming from until I went upstairs. I opened his bedroom door, and he had been sick the night before all over the floor, and just gone out and left it. If he was here when I got in I would have rubbed his nose in it, the dirty bastard. I want him to move out now. It's just too much. He got up this morning, wearing yesterdays clothes and off he went in his car. It's rank. No washing, no changing, nothing. It's getting shocking now. I'm starting to gag everytime he comes into the room and telling him that he is a smelly fucker seems to have no effect. I think he thinks I am joking. I need to rally up the others who live here and get them all to sit down with him and have a word.

Ooh, I knew what I was going to ask. What do you get as a christening gift? My friend Cally is having her baby christened next week and I need gift ideas. My mum suggested a little bracelet or something, but I bet everyone will have the same idea. I need something original, so please give me some ideas.

Thats all for now. I have some dancing to do. Can't stop listening to the Sugababes new song. Have a listen for yourselves, it's great. Have happy Monday's everyone :D

Ry

About A Girl - Sugababes

Lazy Days And Sundays

What a great day it has been today. Last night I was up quite late and I had a few beers, so getting up early this morning wasnt the easiest thing to do, but I had made arrangements with Jay to go over for a duvet day, so I had to drag myself out of bed.

I didnt want to have to get ready and do my hair, so I ended up driving over in my boxers and vest with a pair of trainers. I got one or two funny looks from the neighbours but at that point of the day I didnt care very much. As soon as I got to his house, I climbed right under the duvet and cuddled up. It was heaven!

We stayed in bed just chatting and whatnot(!) until about 2'o'clock and then we had a proper boys day. He made me cook and then we played World Of Warcraft and Assassins Creed for a while. Not my usual idea of a fun day, but he likes it and I enjoyed myself. Then we got back into bed and watched dvd's. I intorduced him to Gavin & Stacey (watch it online if you dont know it, it is brilliant) and he introduced me to Battlestar Galactica, on which I am now hooked. 3 hour pilot though, whats that all about?

We got ourselves a takeaway for dinner. It's my third one this week. I am going to hate myself at the gym tomorrow. Anyways, we ate that and then cuddled in bed for a few more hours until I had to leave. I really wish I could have stayed, but we got about 12 hours, which is better than a kick up the arse. We are off to the cinema on tuesday now, and next weekend we are both off of work, so we are doing the weekend together. Perhaps not my most interesting post ever, but I am a very happy chappy and I wanted to share.

Last night I was chatting with my '#1 Fan', Jack, and promised that I would start documenting my dating disasters. Believe me, there are hundreds, so starting from tomorrow I will be posting my daily dating disasters. Come back and have a read and a mock. I think thats all I have to say for tonight and theres no point talking for the sake of it, so until next time, keep smiling.

Ry

Coming out

I got way too drunk for my own good last night. I ended up getting wasted on a couple of bottles of wine, removing various items of clothes and then dancing and singing to old reggae songs. It wasn't my finest hour, but I had fun anyway. Paid for it this morning though when I woke up and vommed. Bad times. I woke up to 4 very lovely texts from Jay. He was drunk, but it obviously loosened him up a bit because he was being such a sweetheart. I thought he would go all shy and deny them this morning but he was cool about it and said he meant the things he was saying. Bless!

Anyways, there is a point to today's post. I was chatting with a guy yesterday (you should all check out his blog HERE) and I promised him that I would right my coming out story. And so this is it....

I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I was 15 when I cam out to my mother. I had known all my life that I was gay and it was never one of those things I suddenly had to come to terms with, I just always knew and accepted it. I come from a family made up mainly of men. I have 4 older brothers and so I kinda had a lot to live upto in terms of following them into sports and 'man stuff'. My dad skipped out on us when I was 2 and so I never really bothered with him much, and my mum was both parents and my main role model, and we have always been amazingly close. I would say she is like a best friend to me.

Anyways, I probably would have come out when I was about 13 had it not been for the fact I felt I was letting my brothers down. I had had sexual encounters with guys and knew that that was what I was into, but I always kept it as my secret. One night when I was about 14, me and a friend got drunk on a bottle of whiskey we found at her house. I remember for some reason admitting to her that I was gay. She didn't believe me at first, but then I started telling her some stuff about what I had done and she was soon convinced. I remember how free I felt, telling my best friend and having her not give a damn in the slightest. Once I sobered up the following morning though I was mortified and immediately rung her to say it was only meant to be a joke and I couldnt believe she fell for it. She was having none of it though, and my secret was out for good.

Everything was fine for a few months, I used to confide my stories in her, and she always kept them to herself. We used to go around in group, as kids do, of about 15 or 20 of us. We used to hang around the park or whatever, not causing mischief, just being teens. Anyways, this guy started hanging around with us called David. He was a few years older, as camp as tits and a screaming homosexual. I became fascinated with him for being so out there. Every guy I had ever been with was sharing my closet, so to meet and befriend someone so open with their sexuality was refreshing.

One night we were walking home, just David and I, and we were talking about random stuff when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I lied and said no, and he asked me if I wanted to try it. I said yes, probably a little too eagerly, what with my hormones kicking in, and we stood there in the middle of the street making out. I didnt find him attractive. It wasnt a sex thing at all. To ask me now, I have no idea why I kissed him, but I was 15 and horny I guess, so I did. i went home and thought nothing more of it.

Now, most people come out. I think I was dragged out kicking and screaming. A few days after our kiss, David had told everyone. It's one thing keeping a secret from friends, but I wasnt willing to lie, so when questioned (see: Spanish Inquisition) I admitted that his story was true. Some of the guys didnt believe it at first, others thought it was hysterical, but despite the barrage of questions, not a single one of them said anything negative about it. I realised then how great my friends are, and how much I love and value each and every one.



I knew that with so many people knowing, and living in such a small town as I did, that it wouldnt be long until the rumours would get back to my mum, and I knew I would have to tell her. I left it a couple of days, but I thought I owed her the respect to hear it from me and not someone else.

On the day I decided to tell her, things were pretty shitty. I had had a crap day at school, had rowed with my mother the night before, and was generally just nervous as hell. In what was probably the least smart move of my life up to that point, I managed to get myself a flagon of cider and got wasted before going home that evening. I had two of my friends on standby incase things got ugly, and I went home intent that I wouldnt leave again until my mum knew everything. What I had forgotten however, was that my mum was having a dinner party that evening, that I was supposed to be there for. Her, me, and 8 guests. I genuinly had forgotten, but she thought I missed it on purpose because of our arguement the night before.

As soon as I got through the door she knew I was drunk. She gave me that look that only a mother can give and I knew things werent going to go smoothly. She calmly told me to sit down at the table, but then changed her mind and told me to get upstairs. I have never seen her look so embarrassed. I was falling about everywhere and mumbling rubbish to myself. In the end she lost it a bit and started raising her voice. I started storming up the stairs, banging each step as I went. I heard her shout something to me about being grounded and without even registering what was going on, I stood at the top of the stairs, in full view of everyone and screamed

"You just hate me because I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

I barely managed to register her expression before tripping over my own foot and falling down the stairs and passing out drunk against the door. The next thing I remember was being propped against the sofa with my mum staring at me. Everyone had left except for Susan, my mums best friend and I could tell they were waiting for answers. I didnt really know what to say so I started giggling to myself.

From there on out, it all got a bit horrible. My mother gave me the 'I will always love you, but...' speech and I lost it. My mum, the person I was closest to in the whole world, wasnt scooping me in her arms and telling me that everything was going to be alright. We ended up having a blazing arguement and I told her I was leaving. I phoned up my friend and stayed at hers. It was January 11th 2001 and I remember walking through the snow, drunk and crying my eyes out. I cried my eyes out all night.

The following day I went back to my mums and spoke to her soberly. She told me that she wasnt annoyed with me that I was gay, but that I put her in a very awkward situation by telling her in front of everyone else and just expecting her to deal with it, which years later makes more sense than it did then. Things were a bit odd between us for a while. Neither of us knew what to say to the other, and the subject was never raised again until about 3 years later. I spent that whole time thinking that it was because my mother was in denial about it, but when it was brought up again, and I questioned her about it, she told me that it was never an issue for her, so she never felt the need to bring it up for no reason, and sinse I never raised the subject, she thought I didnt want to talk about it. I think sometimes it is easier to just to be open about things and that way wires can't get cross.

I am happy to say that in the end everything worked out brilliantly. Me and my mother are closer than we ever have been and me being gay means nothing more than my eyes being blue. Its a part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.

I suppose the only thing more daunting than telling my mum was having the rugby boys find out. In a very heterosexual sport I thought I would be thrown off the team, but that also went really well. My first day back at training after everyone found out was one of the scariest things of my life. I needn't have worried though. Every single guy on the team was fine about it and when I got to the changing room they had taped the soap to the wall with duct tape and written in shaving foam 'nobody bends over for the soap unless Ryan wins us the game this weekend'. They then continued to wind me up for, well, they still havent stopped.

Where Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

One of my oldest friends in the world is a girl called Emma. Sinse we started school together 20 years ago, we and another friend, have been inseperable. We tell each other everything and we are all really close.

About three years ago, Emma started dating a guy called Brian. I have known him for a while, and although he is nice enough, he is also a bit of a jerk when it comes to the ladies. He has three kids with three different mothers, and was well known for being a bit of a player. Regardless of this though, Emma fell for him and was convinced she could change his ways.

They got together a week after he finished with his ex (after he found out she was pregnant with baby number 2) and within about 3 months, Emma had also fallen pregnant. Despite our concerns, both me and our third friend, Shane (a girl with a guys name), kept our mouths closed and wished her well. We figured there was no point lecturing her about a circumstance that she was already in, so just supported her and waited for him to do his dissappearing act.

To our surprise, he stuck around and nine months later they had a gorgeous daughter (his third child). Things seemed to be going well for them, but there were whisperings among our friends of him trying it on with anything in a skirt whenever he was on a night out. Again, we kept quiet until we saw it with our own eyes. One night in town he tried it on with Shanes younger sister, as well as the sister of my ex, and countless other girls. We decided it was time to tell Emma, but of course he denied everything and arguements erupted about us being 'jealous and interfering'.

I think deep down she knew we wouldnt lie to her about that, but she wanted to believe he wouldnt do that to her, and so buried her head in the sand. Months went by and we kept hearing stories, and watching him be a bit of a dick to Emma, calling her names and putting her down, but nothing more was said about the subject.

About half hour ago I popped over to Shane's (she lives down the road) and as we were talking on her doorstep we saw Brian, coming out of one of the neighbours houses and having a pash fest with the bird who lived there, on the doorstep. BUSTED! He saw us and pushed her back in the house and shut the door. What a fucking idiot. It's one thing to fuck around, but to be so obvious about it where he knows there is a chance he could be caught is just fucking stupid.

Anyways, now I have got the background out of the way, what I need is advice. Do we tell Emma what has been going on? I don't want to be in a situation where we have an arguement about it, and we only have our word against his, but I hate to see her being treated like this. She is 24 with a young kid and it kills me to know he is doing this to one of my best friends. Should I tell her, or let it run its course. I think whatever happens, Shane and I will be seen as the bad guys. Have any of you been in this situation? I feel kinda stuck.

Random Witterings

So, I managed to get about 9 hours of sleep in last night, and I am feeling fresh as a button today. What a random saying that is. Are buttons fresh? I digress... My mood is much better today. Everyone had left the house when I woke up so I had a chance to just relax for a bit. I think my ranting last night got through to at least one of them because when I came downstairs, the house was spotless. Will have to let rip with the temper more often if it gets them cleaning. It has put me in a great mood today though, which is fab.

I was supposed to be going to the gym today but I kinda cant be arsed. My friend, who I took to the gym with me the other day, is nagging me to get off my arse and go with her. I think I have turned her into a little gym bunny. I guess I will see how I feel in an hour or so. God knows why she can't go on her own though. What is it with women? They can't even go to the toilet on their own.

Feeling loads better about Jay today. I know he didnt do anything wrong last night, and I was just being an arsehole, but this morning he has been sending me loads of texts and saying that he missed me and whatnot. It's really nice because he never says things like that. The closest he has got to that is saying things like 'It would be cool if you were here', or something to that effect.

I get the evening off of work tonight because I swapped a shift, which means I now have a long weekend. Good times indeed! My friend is working the circuits as a comedian and has a gig tonight that he wants me to go too. He is actually really good and I know he will make something of himself. I just hate watching him because a lot of his act involves stories about his friends, including me, and it is dead embarrassing when he picks you out of the crowd and you have 400 people staring and laughing at you. I guess I should go support him though.

The weather is shocking today. I want to go and have a look around the christmas market, but I may give it a miss. I go every year and the most I have bought is a crepe, but I like to have a look around anyways. Maybe when the weather is better though. The UK is still being battered. The wind and rain is shocking and it is set to get worse over then next few weeks. It isnt so bad at this end of the country. Some floods, but nothing like the midlands and south. If you havent heard on the news, this will give you a little idea of how bad it has been Clickey Click.

I can't decide what to eat for my dinner. I overdosed on Crunchy Nut Cornflakes when I woke up. I am craving junk food today, but luckily I dont have any in the house or I would be like a bloated old moose by the end of the day. I just want chocolate and crisps and shit like that. Think I will have a soak in the bath to take my mind off of it and relieve the boredom. I will probably end up going to the gym anyways, just to get out of the house for a bit.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

I'm having what can only be described as a tantrum. I am royally fucked off, for no real good reason. I think it is a combination of a lack of sleep mixed with the fact that all I have eaten today is an overly chewy crumpet, and a lack of contact with Jay, and it has turned me into a grumpy little prick.

I fell asleep and missed the cinema. Didnt even cancel, just slept through all the calls and texts, so I woke up in a bad mood because of that, and in pain from sleeping awkwardly in the chair in the living room. I don't think I was asleep for long, two hours maybe, but whenever I sleep in the day for a short time I always wake up like a bear with a sore head.

I went to make myself some dinner because I was starving, and ended up getting even more pissed off when I saw that one of the thieving little twats I live with had cooked and eaten the chicken I had got ready earlier in the day. I ended up going crazy but each and every one of them denied it, like it had gotten up and made a run for it and I was supposed to believe that it was never there in the first place.

Jay is annoying me because he isnt texting as much as I want him too. I know how pathetic that sounds, and on any other day I probably wouldnt give a shit. He hasnt text me any less today than he normally would, but for some reason it just doesnt feel enough. I ain't going to say anything to him though, because I know he hasnt actually done anything to piss me off, I am just being a twat because I am tired and hungry.

I don't know whether or not to go for a run to cool off or to order in a Chinese takeaway and then go to bed. I could probably do with the sleep. The hills will be alive with the sound of music tomorrow, I promise.

Peace out!

Once More, With Feeling

Ok, so I didnt take very long between posts today. My lunch got cancelled when I saw the state my housemates had left the kitchen in, so I settled for Crumpets with peanut butter on. WORST. MISTAKE. EVER. Don't try it at home is all I can say. It felt like I had a mouth full of industrial strength glue. Couldnt chew for shit!

My flatmate (the one I dont like) has developed a last minute life and has gone out so I have the house to myself to chillax. And I am doing it in the best possible way. Updating my blogs, listening to the Buffy, Once More, With Feeling Soundtrack (and singing along quite loudly).

It looks like once I am done procrastinating, I will have to clean up the shithole I am forced to live in, because the rest of the people here are incapable it would seem. I usually love cleaning, but I don't love having to pick up after a group of twenty somethings. I aint their mother.

Just to add, I wish all my American and Canadian readers a happy Thanksgiving. I saw a bit of the parade on the news here earlier. At least I think it was part of the parade. Some guy was being interviewed and a load of clowns went past him in the background. Could have just been a clown convention I guess.

Late Nights, Paranormal Activity and Smelly Housemates

Well last night was a bit of a washout. I didn't finish training until about 9ish, so by the time I swung by Jay's it was nearing ten and I was fooked! I think he was a bit annoyed with me to be honest because I just kinda flopped myself down on the bed and gave him very little attention. I didnt want the night to end with me catching z's twenty minutes after arriving, so I had a quick shower to relax, which he insisted on watching, and then gave him the attention he was after.

I didn't stay too late, probably until about midnight, but getting out of that bed was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do. The weather has been so rubbish lately, and it was so warm and comfy being wrapped in those sheets and entwined with him, but I knew if I didnt get home and do at least a couple of hours of sleep, then I would be a zombie today. I think I managed about 4 hours before I had to get up and make myself pretty for work.

I don't know why I ever agree to do extra shifts because they are so boring. I mean really boring! I work in a police station and although I love my job, the extra shifts are always the early morning ones when all the action has already happened and I am left dealing with the paperwork. I suppose it is more money at the end of the month though and it was only a 5 hour shift. The lack of sleep must have been affecting me more than I realised because on the drive home from work I was listening to Listen, that Beyonce song from Dreamgirls and I started crying. What the fuck is that all about?

I am trying to psych myself up to go to the gym this afternoon, but I just cant find the energy to go. I need to do something to get out of the house though. I ham having housemate issues. Five of us live together and although I would count 3 of them as some of my best mates, one of them does my head in beyond belief. He is a bitchy little queen with a Britney obsession who refuses to admit he is gay, despite the fact he munches more cock than anyone I know. I wouldnt mind so much if he just didnt speak, but he is a meddler. He is always up in everyones business, listening in to conversations that don't involve him, and sticking his unwelcome two pennies worth in at every opportunity and it winds me up. Add to that the fact that he is a dirty little fucker and it is enough to drive me mad. He is so messy and untidy and he doesnt wash, so he stinks, and despite me frequently telling him to scrub his pits, he still avoids bathing at all costs, and I think it is rank. I am a hygiene freak, and I dont understand how someone can take such little pride in their appearance. He has a day off of work today and I can't bear to be stuck in the house with him, so I need to occupy myself until the others get home.

Tonight I am meant to be going to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema with some friends. It came out over here yesterday, and I have been dying to see it for months. Have any of you seen it? It seems to have been out everywhere else for ages. I love things to do with ghosts and the supernatural so I think I will enjoy this and the trailer looks really good so I have high expectations. I just hope I stay awake long enough to go, because to be honest as much as I want to see it, I am considering cancelling just so I can get an early night and some shut eye.

Well it's time for some lunch now. I'm thinking boiled potatoes, cous cous and chicken in a tomato and chilli sauce. I love cooking, but lately I have been eating crappy ready meals because I have been so busy. Need to nip that in the bud.

No Rest For The Wicked

Busy day today. Spent 2 hours at the gym this afternoon, but decided to walk too and form the gym, so it was an extra hour each way. I won't be doing that again in a hurry!!! I took a friend of mine with me today as well. She had never been to the gym so I thought I would introduce her. I usually like to work out on my own because I don't like the distractions, but she really enjoyed herself and says she will start going regularly which is nice to hear.

Finished at the gym and ruined it all by tucking into a bacon butty. It's all I have eaten today thought, so that is my justification. Don't judge me. Got to get ready for rugby practice now. It doesnt start until half 6, so will drive down to save a bit of time, then off over to Jay's for a couple of hours. I was planning on staying the night but the boss has asked me to go into work tomorrow at 6, which will mean being up at 4.30, and I dont want to wake him when he has work at 9. Have arranged to stay over his at the weekend instead though.

To be honest I could quite happily cancel everything for the evening, have a soak in the bath and then go to bed. Got a headache that I can't shake and I've worked some random shifts lately so my sleep pattern is shot to shit. Better to be busy than sat on my arse doing nothing I suppose.

Anyways, just a quick post for now. I realise it is pretty boring, but hey, indulge me with your commments anyways.

Peace out :D

Homophobia Top Trumps

He isn't particularly famous in Britain, but the ripples from Adam Lambert's gay kiss have reached far and wide. It seems to be a subject that has everyone divided. Talking with friends, both gay and straight, I was a bit shocked that it was mostly the gay ones who were complaining about it.

ABC has reportedly received nearly 2000 complaints. Hardly a blip on the radar compared to the half a million complaints received when Janet Jackson got her tit out at the Super Bowl, but enough to warrant the cancellation of Lambert's appearance on Good Morning America, over fears he may make a repeat performance. But is he really that stupid, or does the network just want to disassociate itself with such up front homosexuality?

However ill thought out his actions were, they were done in front of a largely adult audience, at an awards show that was shown in the evening. Whether it was premeditated or not, and despite its bad taste, no laws, either of legality or decency, were broken, so to assume that he would try and do the same thing in a prime time morning slot raises a lot of questions as to if that is the real reason behind his performance axing.

Despite what Lambert probably thought was a tongue in cheek way of bringing homosexuality into the mainstream, I can't help but thinking that he has probably set the whole thing back quite a bit, awaking the dormant homophobia in people who would otherwise not thought twice about watching a gay performer.

The issue with the subject that my friends seemed to have, was not the fact that he was gay, but the fact that what he did was unnecessary and uncomfortable to watch. Nothing to do with him being gay, but being an idiot. When questioned about whether or not they would feel the same if he were straight, the result was an overwhelming yes, with people like Lady Gaga and her bizarre on stage antics being given as an example of some more uncomfortable viewing.

It is all too easy for people to start throwing in the homophobia card, now that a gay person is facing a backlash over their antics, but when all is said and done, I think the majority of people were just uncomfortable with having to view it, just as I am sure they would have been if it were a straight artist up on stage simulating oral sex. That is not to say that a number of the complainants do not have homophobic motives, but on the whole, I think it has just been seen as bad taste.

Regardless of the backlash, Lambert has gotten his desired publicity, and his name is now in the minds of a lot more people than it was before. This, like so many other controversies before it, will be quickly forgotten, and if he can ride out the storm for the next few weeks, he will probably come out of it a lot better off in album sales.

Coffee And Shopping

Now that my morning rant is out of the way, I can get on with the fun stuff. It isnt even 2pm and I have had quite an event filled day.

Once I finished at the gym I went for my obligitory Starbucks. I’ve been feeling pretty Christmasy for the last few days, so I ditched my usual Caramel (light) Machiato and instead opted for the Cherry Mocha. I don’t even like cherries, but it had a picture of holly on the cup in the picture, so it was good enough for me. The place was dead because I had beaten the commuters, so I got chatting to the guy serving me while I waited. He said he was new to the area and was asking about where to go, drink, eat etc.

Without thought, I was just stood at the counter sipping my coffee while we talked. He was fit. And when I say fit, I mean DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, FIT AS FUCK!!! He obviously worked out because he had a great boddy that was rippling out of his shirt, and gorgeous smile and seemed genuinly nice and funny. I must have being giving off my ’screaming homo’ vibe, because he casually dropped into the conversation that maybe I could show him around town sometime, and in return he would treat me to dinner. We shared a knowing glance before swapping numbers. A little bit of chit chat later and I then had to leave. He gave me a wink as I left and off I went.

Now, anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I am in the middle of potentially starting something along the lines of formal dating with someone else, and I aint really one for running two guys at once, but all the same, being chatted up over morning coffee is nice, and put me in a great mood for the day.



I needed a new pair of headphones and the ones I wanted are about £20, so I had to head into town to get them this morning, so once I left the coffee shop, I headed towards the shops. BAD MOVE! I am a nightmare shopper. My friends hate going shopping with me because I will take 4 hours in a each shop. It’s ridiculous. If I know what I need, then I can be in and out in a flash, without distraction, but today, I spotted a sale in All Saints. I swear, I tried to just walk past the shop, but I couldnt do it, so in I went. Just to browse obviously.

An hour later I came out. A fucking hour. I spent nearlu £300 on new clothes when all I wanted was a pair of headphones, which in all the excitement I forgot to get, so by the time I got back to the car and remembered, meant I then had to walk all the way back into town. I made sure this time to keep my head down and not get distracted by any shop windows. I suppose on the plus side, for my £300 I got 3 fantastic pairs of jeans, and a new top. Bargain.


I am starting to think when I need something I should just go online so I wont get distracted by the shiny window displays.

Working Up A Sweat

I was up at 6 this morning. I am most mornings to be honest, but for the last few days I have been sleeping in really late until about 10am. Anyway, I got up, showered and strolled off to the gym. By stroll, I mean drove obviously.

The gym that I go too is quite nice. It’s cheap, but it has everything that I need, so I dont see the point in paying over the odds for the sake of going to a posher gym.

The people there are really relaxed, which I like. It isnt full of people walking around with their tops off, not actually working out, just wanting people to look at them, and one of the reasons I like it so much is because as many of you know, a lot of people, specifically gay men I would say, use the gym as a pick up joint. The gym I go too however, is primarily used for working out, which is why I changed from my old gym to that one.

As with anywhere you spend a lot of time, you get to know people, and recognise new faces easily, and over the last few weeks I have come to notice two new people in particular. I assume, though don’t know for sure, that they are a couple. In the changing rooms they are all over each other, and I am sure I walked in on them getting it on one time, though I wasnt paying too much attention so I couldnt say for sure.

The thing is though, as into each other as they seem to be, they are also quite openly checking everyone else out too. I have seen them at the gym maybe ten times in the last 3 weeks, but of all those times, I have seen them actually using the machines maybe a total of twice. The rest of the time they just seem to stay in the changing rooms.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means a prude, but surely there is a time and a place. I have been going to various gyms for years, and I have seen a lot of goings on, but the flirting and staring and occasional sexy shenanigans usually happen when people have actually used the gym, rather than just going there for the pick up. These two guys blatently sit there and stare at people getting changed or showering and more than once I have heard them making comments about mens dicks, to guys I know who are straight and wouldnt appreciate it.

Writing this I feel like a grumpy old man. I am all for a bit of fun and flirting and messing around, but these guys are giving the place a bad rep, and I know there has been complaints. Most of the guys who use the gym are straight, and though they know I am not, that has never been an issue. What concerns me is that the few gay people who do use the place, myself included, will get tarnished with the same brush.

Is it so important to pick guys up/ spice up your sex life etc, that you would go to the effort of signing up and paying for the gym, only to use it for what is as good as cottaging? This is Manchester. For those of you who haven’t been here, or are unfamiliar with the place, it is like a gay mecca. It is where the original Queer as Folk was set, has nearly 100 gay bars and clubs, and countless saunas, sex shops, fetich clubs and pick up joints, so why do this at the gym? This isn’t a case of two people meeting at the gym and getting it on, it is two people going to the gym to hunt for sex.

Maybe I am just out of the loop on things. Is this normal? Am I just being a moody old arse? Part of me thinks I should live and let live, but the other part of me thinks that I should be able to go to the gym and get changed or take a piss without being perved on. I am more than aware that in those situations there are always stolen glances. I have done it myself, but there is a massive difference, surely?

I am interested to hear what other people think of this. Do you think I am being overly picky, or should it be kept for places more relevent?

.....I Went Back

A couple of days ago I told about the dilemma I was having, deciding whether to or not to let things progress with a guy who did me over in the past. This is the post in question.

Anyways, After writing it all out and going over it, listening to what others said and thinking harder about what I wanted, I decided to drop him a text and arranged to meet up with him tonight once he finished work. We were going to do what was planned for yesterday, food and drinks, but in the end we got on a tram and just went straight back to his.

The atmosphere between us was fine and we were laughing and talking and flirting, but when he tried to kiss me a pulled away and told him that we needed to talk. I explained to him my reservations about the situation and told him I wanted him to talk to me about stuff. To most of you that would probably seem like an ordinary request, but he is very much a man of few words, only ever saying the words that need to be spoken, and keeping his emotions and feelings to a minimum. It took a while to get him to open up, but in the end we had a really good discussion and the air between us was cleared.

Once all that was out of the way we got down to the good stuff. No not sex you dirty bastards. We played World Of Warcraft...... Then we had sex afterwards. This time though it was different. It wasnt frenzied like it normally was, but it was slow and passionate and he was more affectionate and passionate than I had ever known him to be.

He asked me to stay the night, but I couldnt. I wasn't making excuses, I really had to leave, but I genuinly wanted to stay. I could have stayed curled up in that bed with him all night. We have however, made plans for this coming Wednesday, and Sunday.

Letting go of 'rules' I have lived by for a long time isn't easy, but what it definately is, is liberating. Part of me feels like I am rebelling against myself, but I feel like I am doing the right thing. Someone said to me the other day that you should regret the things you do, not the things you don't, and I have a feeling that I won't be regretting this.

One is very happy :D

Why Weight?

I like to think that I follow my own rules and conventions. Unlike most of my friends, both gay and straight, I dont strive to conform to fit in any boxes set by society. I find it hard enough being comfortable in my own skin, without the added pressure of living up to everyone else's expectations as well. Lately however, I have been feeling an enormous pressure to lose weight. In the gay community (at least where I live), there has been an 'Attack Of The Clones' where everyone seems to look 15 years old with a barely there waistline and a perma tan.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means overweight. I have a 34" waist, I am 6ft5" tall and I weigh a little under 15st. I play rugby and I am at the gym at least 3 times a week. I have a pretty healthy lifestyle and in general I dont look too shabby. I have an individual style and I make the most of what I have, but the more I go out and see these 'clones', the more I feel like the odd one out, and if truth be told, it is starting to feel uncomfortable.

It is an age old tale that within the gay community you have a limited shelf life. So many people feel like they are over it or past it by the time they hit 25, and the ones who don't seem to be doing everything in their power to look like 18 year olds again. When I have spoken to friends about this, they have told me that it is a minority, but after a little digging it seems that male anorexia is predominantly made up of gay men, and it is also on the rise. Is it really worth risking your health to fit in and look the part?

The fault, I believe, lies within the gay community itself. While they sit and argue that they should not be put in boxes by the community at large, they are all too quick to label and catagorise themselves. Is it ok to just be gay anymore? Do we have to be a twink, a scally a bear or a queen? And if we do, where do I fit in? I am too old and not skinny enough to be a twink. Not camp enough to be a queen. Too well behaved and dressed to be a scally, and not big and hairy enough to be a bear. Is there a place for me if I refuse to put myself in a box?

The problem is, whether we like it or not, we all conform in the end. We don't have to like it, but it happens anyway. I started this post thinking about how I needed to lose weight, not for health reasons, but so that I could feel more like I was part of the crowd, and the more I write, the more I realise that if I become more like everyone else, I become less like myself. The world strives on diversity. I have never been short of attention from men, and by looking like everyone else, what will I have that is different to interest anyone anymore?

Is suppose in the end it all comes down to being comfortable with yourself. If you strive to look a certain way to make yourself feel better then you should go for it as long as it doesnt affect your health. But if you are trying to look a certain way just to fit in, maybe you need to sit back and think about whether or not it will make you happy. At the end of the day, we all want people to like us for who we are, not how we look. My mum always told me you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you, and I think shes right. Maybe I will give the gym a miss today.

Heading For Queer Hell

I was raised in a Catholic family. We weren't overtly religious, but it was more of a background thing. Nowadays I wouldnt say I was particularly religious, but I have my faith and I am proud of it. Obviously, in the eyes of my religion, I live in sin, but my friends and family don't have an issue with my 'sinning' and so I don't much care about the opinions of others who my life neither touches, nor affects.

This evening I had to run out to the shop for something, and the quickest way to get there without the car was through the city's gay district. Half way through my journey I was stopped by a women who looked to be in her 40's. Anyone who has spent any time on the streets of Manchester knows that you can't go more than a few feet without being stopped by a tramp, charity worker, god botherer etc, but I stopped and spoke to her nonetheless. She asked my what I was doing in the area, so I told her, and then she asked if I was one of 'them gays' to which I said yes.

Now, I am pretty tolerant of people's views and opinions. After all, they are entitled to them, as I am my own, right? Anyway, the woman proceeded to hand me leaflets about the catholic church, with headings such as 'return to the fold' and 'Don't ruin your life with homosexuality', with statements from 'ex gays' who had realised that they didnt need to rebel by being gay anymore etc.

More out of curiosity than politeness, I listened as she told me that I was on the path to hell and that Jesus was willing to accept me back into his heart as soon as I was ready to become 'normal' and admit my sins.

In a strange way I kind of understood where she was coming from. I mean, I don't agree with her views, but I understand why she does. What got me thinking was though, was the number of people out there who preach and feel the need to stick their noses in where it doesnt belong. It was a wierd experience because I have never really come up against any personal religious opposition or homophobia, so to witness someones small mindedness for myself.

What I can't believe is that the catholic church, with all of its history and a magnificent drop in its followers, is still peddling this bullshit to its congregation, who in turn feel the need to peddle this shit on to me. Raising children to be filled with hatred is something no religion should be proud of. I am not from a particularly religious area, so this kind of thing doesnt get seen too often, but it makes me feel for the people who have to put up with listening to this shit on a daily basis. Is this something that has happened to any of you?

As I said, I have my own faith and if there is a heaven, then what with me being made in God's image, and old Jesus dying for my sins, I am pretty sure I will get a room with a view. I didn't choose to be gay, but I wouldnt have it any other way. I happen to really like my life and I am proud of who I am. I know my family is too, and that is all that really matters anyway, right?

Thank you

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to the guys over at Queers United for allowing me to have a mention on their page. Go check them out their blog at...

Queers United

Should We Ever Go Back?

Someone told me once that you should only ever give a man one chance to screw things up. Nobody is so important that you should let them get away with walking all over you. It was something that I took very seriously, and for better or worse, applied to all my 'relationships'. In a way, I suppose that my attitude stopped me from getting myself into a serious relationship, and getting my feelings hurt as a result. Previous bad experiences with love also made me think twice about letting my guard down with new people who showed an interest, and I was instead quite happy doing the no strings sex thing.

Last year, around October time, I did the unthinkable and fell head over heels for a guy, who we shall call Jay, for the sake of this story. There was just something about him that made me go weak at the knees, and I got butterfly's everytime I saw him. I know, 'yuck' right? He was 2 years younger than me, but more mature than anyone I had ever dated. He had all these little idiosyncrasies that on anyone else would make him seem like a crazy person, but on him just added to the list of things I was starting to love about him.

After spending quite a lot of time with each other, he started to go a bit cold on me. His explanation was that he was still trying to work out what he wanted and whatnot. I was patient because I understood where he was coming from, but within a few days, without explanation he stopped taking my calls and texts, and so despite my feelings I cut off all ties.

In the months that followed, I got a few random texts from him, asking how I was and if I fancied going for a drink and I more or less ignored them all, figuring he had blown his chance, and it was time to move on. After not hearing from him in about 5 months, about 3 weeks ago he sent me a message out of the blue asking how I was. I was feeling at a bit of a low point and so I decided to reply and arranged to meet up for a drink with him that night.

Within a few minutes of being around him again, A lot of the old feelings started coming back, and by the end of the night we were at his house having sex. I didnt plan it, and I wasnt even sure if I was doing it because I wanted too, or because right there and then, I needed someone, and he was there. I started questioning whether I was acting any better than he had months before, and whether I was in a position to judge. One thing was for sure though, that I didnt expect to be hearing from him again for a long while.

True to form, the next few days went by without hardly a word. The plans we made to see each other again got cancelled (by him), and I was kicking myself for being in the same place I was a year ago. Only this time I had put myself there. Despite feeling stubborn about the situation, I still found myself waiting for my phone to ring. The next time I heard from him was a drunken 4am phonecall about a week later asking if he could come over. I told him to fuck off and hung up, finally deciding that we should NEVER go back.

Against my better judgement, and with my brain being overuled by my crotch, I decided to meet up again with him and after a couple of bottles of wine, we ended up back in bed together. This time though things were different. He asked me to stay the following morning when I said I needed to go, and he told me he was sorry for all the things that had happened between us before, and he knew now what he wanted, and that was for us to try and make a go of things. Part of me was really happy, but part of me was only there for the sex. Had I become the type of man I spent my life trying to avoid? Should I have gone back?

Today we were supposed to be going out for sushi in a nice Japanese place called Wasabi. I was kind of looking forward to it, but at the same time knew that if I went i was going to go for all the wrong reasons. Anyways, this morning I sent him a text making up an excuse, and cancelled. He is eager to rearrange the date, but I dont know if it is a good idea. I like him, but I think I am holding back on any sort of commitment, even in a tiny form, because I dont want to be in the place I was last time. I feel awful, and realise I am being a bit of a dickhead with my actions, but I genuinly dont know what I want, or what I should do. Should we ever go back? Well I guess that is up to you, but I say you should tread with care and take a bin bag with you to pick up the pieces when it all gets messy.

Pulling A Moon-y

Saturdays are not generally a quiet time for me. The afternoons are usually spent with friends, shopping, coffee drinking, and putting the world to rights. And not always in that order. Once that is out of the way, I concentrate on getting myself ready for a night out on the town. I am not ashamed to admit that by the time I shower, decide what I am wearing, do my hair etc, about 4 hours and a couple of glasses of plonk have passed me by. Then it is on to town to dance, drink and flirt the night away before innevitably doing the walk of shame back to my house sometime Sunday morning.

Today things were different. A knee injury playing rugby earlier in the week means there was no coffee and shopping, no preparing for a wild night out and no drunken antics to be had. That's not so bad I guess, but what is worrying me is that my flatmate is now nagging me to go to the cinema. 'What's wrong with that?' I hear you say. Well she wants to go and see.... New Moon!



Appealing as the above image is, it still isn't enough to make me consider going. I just don't get the fuss. Did I miss something? I am starting to believe that I could be the last person breathing who hasn't seen the film or read the books, and I kinda pride myself on it. The Robert Pattinson guy that everyone seems to be swooning over looks like he needs a good soak in the bath, and the premise of the story itself sounds a bit shit. Don't get me wrong, I love a good vampire story. But give me David Boreanaz and a Buffy boxset any day of the week.