Someone told me once that you should only ever give a man one chance to screw things up. Nobody is so important that you should let them get away with walking all over you. It was something that I took very seriously, and for better or worse, applied to all my 'relationships'. In a way, I suppose that my attitude stopped me from getting myself into a serious relationship, and getting my feelings hurt as a result. Previous bad experiences with love also made me think twice about letting my guard down with new people who showed an interest, and I was instead quite happy doing the no strings sex thing.
Last year, around October time, I did the unthinkable and fell head over heels for a guy, who we shall call Jay, for the sake of this story. There was just something about him that made me go weak at the knees, and I got butterfly's everytime I saw him. I know, 'yuck' right? He was 2 years younger than me, but more mature than anyone I had ever dated. He had all these little idiosyncrasies that on anyone else would make him seem like a crazy person, but on him just added to the list of things I was starting to love about him.
After spending quite a lot of time with each other, he started to go a bit cold on me. His explanation was that he was still trying to work out what he wanted and whatnot. I was patient because I understood where he was coming from, but within a few days, without explanation he stopped taking my calls and texts, and so despite my feelings I cut off all ties.
In the months that followed, I got a few random texts from him, asking how I was and if I fancied going for a drink and I more or less ignored them all, figuring he had blown his chance, and it was time to move on. After not hearing from him in about 5 months, about 3 weeks ago he sent me a message out of the blue asking how I was. I was feeling at a bit of a low point and so I decided to reply and arranged to meet up for a drink with him that night.
Within a few minutes of being around him again, A lot of the old feelings started coming back, and by the end of the night we were at his house having sex. I didnt plan it, and I wasnt even sure if I was doing it because I wanted too, or because right there and then, I needed someone, and he was there. I started questioning whether I was acting any better than he had months before, and whether I was in a position to judge. One thing was for sure though, that I didnt expect to be hearing from him again for a long while.
True to form, the next few days went by without hardly a word. The plans we made to see each other again got cancelled (by him), and I was kicking myself for being in the same place I was a year ago. Only this time I had put myself there. Despite feeling stubborn about the situation, I still found myself waiting for my phone to ring. The next time I heard from him was a drunken 4am phonecall about a week later asking if he could come over. I told him to fuck off and hung up, finally deciding that we should NEVER go back.
Against my better judgement, and with my brain being overuled by my crotch, I decided to meet up again with him and after a couple of bottles of wine, we ended up back in bed together. This time though things were different. He asked me to stay the following morning when I said I needed to go, and he told me he was sorry for all the things that had happened between us before, and he knew now what he wanted, and that was for us to try and make a go of things. Part of me was really happy, but part of me was only there for the sex. Had I become the type of man I spent my life trying to avoid? Should I have gone back?
Today we were supposed to be going out for sushi in a nice Japanese place called Wasabi. I was kind of looking forward to it, but at the same time knew that if I went i was going to go for all the wrong reasons. Anyways, this morning I sent him a text making up an excuse, and cancelled. He is eager to rearrange the date, but I dont know if it is a good idea. I like him, but I think I am holding back on any sort of commitment, even in a tiny form, because I dont want to be in the place I was last time. I feel awful, and realise I am being a bit of a dickhead with my actions, but I genuinly dont know what I want, or what I should do. Should we ever go back? Well I guess that is up to you, but I say you should tread with care and take a bin bag with you to pick up the pieces when it all gets messy.